Bullet Style Update

  • The boyfriend’s orders got rejected again. Resubmitting orders round three in a few weeks. 
  • No acceptance letter yet from SDSU. 
  • Mom here, Thursday night!
  • New car by Friday afternoon ­čĄ×­čĆ╗.
  • Mom meeting the boyfriend Saturday ­čśČ. 
  • Sleeping and eating habits are utter trash, must fix.
  • LED lightbulbs >>>> traditional bulbs.
  • SOO MUCH CLEANING TO DO. 
  • Mini one sided screaming session on Sunday. Me @ the boyfriend.

Is this what bullet journaling is? I kinda like it.

Slight Overreaction

I talked to the boyfriend. It was extremely beneficial to him and myself that I had a day to chill the fuck out before launching into this emotional upheaval that he would’ve been woefully unprepared for. I did get a tiny joy out of:

“I need to talk to you about something. It started bothering me yesterday after I texted you.”

“Ooh god. Is it bad? Is it heavy and emotional? It’s bad isn’t it?”

It’s adorable how scared and nervous he gets whenever I tell him that I need to talk to him about something. Yay, crisis averted. Next possible point of drama: he finds out this Thursday if his newest request for orders has been approved. Approved = good, he stays in San Diego. Not approved = no orders, has to submit another request in a few weeks. OR, worst case scenario, he does indeed receive orders that send him to the other end of the country, or world or deploy him for another year.

Tomorrow is March! Starting tomorrow I officially begin my obsessive email checking to see if my acceptance letter to San Diego State has arrived. Fingers crossed and all the good luck if you have any to spare would be deeply appreciated.

Feeling Insecure

This semester I’m taking a required psychology class; Sex, Marriage and Family that I need as one of my transfer requirements. So far it’s been pretty interesting and engaging, especially considering it’s a three hour Wednesday night class from 6:30-9:30pm. We’ve read the first four chapters of the textbook so far and in each chapter there’s usually one, if not more survey type sections where you can see on a scale where you fall in different aspects about your relationship, like how you feel about gender roles, your love style and such. I’ve taken all the surveys (but don’t remember my results) and I want to get my boyfriend to take them too, to see if our results match or if we’re different. The readings for class have been poking at me, stirring up questions about my relationship. Yesterday, while scrolling through facebook, my friend Evita had posted that (what I use to/may still consider) trite motivational quote about “if a man really wants you, he’ll pursue you, a woman shouldn’t be making all the effort, planning dates…” and all that. My assigned reading and that one stupid little quote has pushed me deep into the over analyzing part of ┬ámy brain that I don’t like. The part of my brain that leaps, not just jumps to conclusions, the part of my brain that only believes the worst in people, the part where all my insecurity and doubt and anxiety call home.

When I say insecurity, I don’t want to give the impression that I think my boyfriend is cheating on me or that he’s too good for me or anything like that. I am very much secure in the fidelity and faithfulness of my relationship. When I say security I mean more like am I even in a relationship? Does he actively want to be with me or is that just convenient? Do I make things too easy for him? I proudly admit that I am a Type A, micromanaging, control freak. I don’t trust people enough to do things for me in exactly the way I want. In a relationship (and not just romantic, my friends often tell me that I should forget my child development degree and make the big bucks being an event planner) I like to make most of the decisions and find events and restaurants and other social things for us to go do and see. I have an old school paper, calendar planner for me to write down all my appointments, deadlines, and socializing. And I truly enjoy doing this. I love finding all the different events and happenings going on around me, trying out new restaurants, meeting up with friends, I love opening my planner and seeing something to do every single day. My boyfriend on the other hand is a hermit. He loves nothing more than coming straight home from work, getting a workout done in his gym in the garage and then playing video games or spamming YouTube or catching up on his varied online forums until he has to go to sleep. He revealed to me last weekend, which was yet another bit of kindling to the now roaring bonfire of anxiety that a big reason why he decides to hole himself up in his office everyday is that when he was younger, he made a lot of bad decisions. He self admittedly has an addictive personality and when he was younger he’d push the boundaries of being in the military and being a candy raver. I’ll let you go ahead and assume what he liked to do in his off days back then. But, now that he’s less than a decade away from retiring and getting to do whatever he pleases he’s learned to be more cautious. I jokingly said that he’s basically decided to repress himself until retirement and he simply answered, yes.

My point in all this, and very much what I told one of my best friends earlier this afternoon is that I feel like I don’t get very much (if any) consideration in his day to do thinking. I spend every weekend at his place. I find restaurants and parties and other fun things for us to do. I cook…occasionally. I write down his duty days, and underway dates. I schedule all my beauty appointments (all the different body parts that I wax, nails, hair, facials,), run errands, do readings and homework, laundry and other various mundane life activities during the week, which now that I have class in the evenings two nights a week is difficult. I do all that so when the weekend comes I don’t have to do anything other than spend time with him. I may have previously briefly mentioned this in a previous blog…I do occasionally feel underappreciated. I do sometimes feel like I put in more effort in the relationship than he does. I also do know that when I ask his opinion on things that he wants to do on the weekend, just to make sure he really doesn’t mind what I have in mind that his answer 90% of the time will be, “I don’t care,” or “If you want to,” because he genuinely is indifferent to whatever I’ve thought up. Which I enjoy because it gives me a lot more creative freedom. But which also bothers me because sometimes I do want him to care.

The biggest catalyst to all this happened this afternoon. I had originally told him that I had things to do tonight and most of tomorrow morning and that I would see him some time tomorrow afternoon. My plans got changed at the last minute and I now have the time to see him tonight instead. It is not until I text him to tell him this that he bothers to tell me (and I do mean bother as I was nearly livid afterward) that 1. Tonight he has to work till 7 or 8pm, 2. He may have work tomorrow as well and 3. If he doesn’t have work tomorrow he has to help a friend move an hour and a half up North of San Diego which is basically LA. My rage which has been at a healthy simmer since 3pm today just now momentarily spiked to a full boil as I recounted what happened. I wanted so badly to be petty and passive aggressive. I am so proud of myself for not. I wanted to say, “and when were you going to tell me this?” or “ooh thanks for the advance notice,” or what I really and truly did start typing on my phone, “you know what, never mind then.” And for the briefest second I had already started making excuses for him when he told me that information. Ooh they’ve been underway, he can’t text (bitch, there’s email!), he probably just found out (mmhmm, no one asks someone to help them move at the last minute), they have that inspection coming up, everyone has to work extra hours (I bet his shipmates told their girlfriends and wives). What pissed me off was that it wasn’t until I had told him about my change of plans that he bothered to tell me his. What if I hadn’t texted him? What if I had decided to surprise and had driven down to his place tonight after I had gotten off work? He wouldn’t be home. What if I hadn’t had a change in my plans and assumed we were still fine with Saturday afternoon and he was in the middle of driving on the 5 or 15 helping his friend move and would be gone all day?

Now, the only reason why I’m not making a bigger deal out of this and reverting back to my petty, passive aggressive ways is that I know my boyfriend is not doing this intentionally or maliciously. He is truly oblivious to many social graces, subtleties and taboos. He doesn’t know how much his tendency for last minute planning and confirmations on maybe utterly enrages me.

This is undoubtedly one of my biggest insecurities, if not the biggest, I hate not being thought of. I’m sure this goes back to my dad and him essentially abandoning me and my mom, but I get severely offended and hurt when someone, especially someone that I go so out of my way for, can’t even bother to extend me a fraction of the same courtesy.

I had told my boyfriend to come to my place tonight after he’s off work, but considering it’s nearly 8:30pm and he hasn’t given me any update on if he’s still working or not, I am going to assume that I won’t be seeing him tonight and consequently tomorrow. I’ve decided I will at least be stubborn and not drive down to see him this weekend. I am going to talk to him about all this and he will have to put in the effort to see me for once.

Girly Woes

I am a girly girl. High femme. Womanly. Whatever you want to call it, I’m it. I love watching makeup tutorials on YouTube, love following hair stylists and colorists on Instagram, love going in to Sephroa and Ulta (but only when I actually have money to buy something), I love shopping and shoes and dresses and getting dressed up and handbags. I love getting my nails done, all of that. What I usually depise is the process, the never ending upkeep of being a girly girl. You know those memes where a girl says she’s either homeless looking or full face glam? I’m one of those girls. 

Tonight I have an appointment for an underarm and lip wax. Yes, a lip wax. I have a wee bit of a girl-stache, I said it. I have an appointment Saturday afternoon for my Brazilian wax and I am overdue for an eyebrow wax. Ooh and…about two and a half weeks ago I got my legs waxed. That’s a whooooole lotta time and money spent paying women to pour hot wax essentially all over me just to rip out my body hair. Now, I’m not complaining, exactly. I trouble myself with waxing because I know, firsthand, that it is infitely superior to shaving or Nair. I used to be really good at only waxing my legs for a while, but then things like moving out and having to pay rent and utilities and cell phone bills and things like that relegated me back to the razor. 

I’ve only ever waxed my lady area. I never liked the idea of a razor blade being soo close to such an intimate area. A cut on your legs hurts bad enough! My eyebrows I started getting waxed in high school and sadly due to about a decade of abuse and possibly age(?, I’ll be 30 later this year, aahh!) they’re thinner than I would like and my right eyebrow has a permanent bald patch at the arch. I’m only now beginning to experiment with filling them in. I suck at it. If I used the word fleek, I would also use whatever the opposite of fleek is to describe my skill at filling in my eyebrows. My lip I only wax occasionally because the hairs there aren’t that noticeable. My armpits I’ve exclusively shaved since…middle school? The hairs are all super thick and wiry and sometimes I see multiple hair sticking out of one follicle. Eww and my armpit skin is all dark and slightly discolored from the years of constant shaving. Also, my left armpit has significantly less hair than my right. Anyone else have that? I’m excited to see how getting my “underarms” waxed will feel like.

I’m hoping after I get my car next month and I’m all settled into my new budget with the car payments and all that, that I can go ahead with my plans to Groupon my way through laser hair removal. I’ll start with small areas like my lip and armpits to see if it’s effective before I go and drop the cash on bigger areas like my legs. I don’t know if I’d get a laser Brazilian, something about being permanently bald down there as a full grown adult woman seems vaguely…pedophile-y. 

I’ve been getting gel manicures (with nail art! Usually, not always) off and on for about three years now. I’m taking an extended break from the gel nail life right now though in a feeble attempt to get more money together for my car’s down payment. It’s nice seeing my natural nails again. I miss my nail lady though. 

Hair cuts I usually only get three times a year since my hair grows pretty slowly. I’ve spent the last two years growing out and old all over bleach job I had done two years ago. My hair is finally back to its natural color! I took prenatal vitamins for a month to try and get my hair to grow longer, faster but all that did was make me feel sorry for pregnant woman that actually have to take those things. They smell foul and you have to take multiple pills a day. I did another month of Sugar Bear hair which tasted soo much better and maybe also worked better…, but I stopped after a month since the bottle ran out around Christmastime and my budget got screwed over. 

There was no real point to this post. I just wanted something a little more lighthearted than my usual stuff. 

February Update 

This month got off to a fairly shitty start. The two scholarships that I was working on my applications for…I never got to submit them. I had ALLLLL my paperwork ready; personal essays, letters of recommendation, official (with a seal and errythang) transcripts…except for my doctor’s medical history verification. Apparently my former pediatrician’s office tried calling me all the last week of January to tell me that it would take a little longer than expected because my files were down in storage. I say apparently they tried because it wasn’t until I called them that they told me that my voicemail wasn’t set up to leave messages…umm…dafuq??? I didn’t want to go ballistic on the poor receptionist and handled the news, mm let’s say graciously. I then reached out to my current general practioner doctor and was told by that receptionist that it normally takes a week to verify a patient’s medical history. 

The frustration, misplaced anger at the receptionists and absurdity that all medical records are not stored electronically like taxes are, and most consumingly disappointment hit me hard last week. The boyfriend and I had dinner last Thursday and I felt better after voicing my situation to him. Whining wasn’t going to magically get me my health records.

The next two weeks won’t be too fun. This entire week my boyfriend’s ship is at some other base in San Diego doing some sort of testing to get the ship ready for deployment. Because of how remote the base is there’s only one shuttle between that base and his usual base which is the main Navy base for all of San Diego, at 32nd street, he won’t be able to go home all week. I’m picking him up Thursday night for dinner and am hoping he can crash at my place, even though it means I’ll have to get up balls early the next morning to drop him off. This weekend they’ll be underway and all of next week will be docked at some other base a little North of San Diego. Then hopefully they’ll get to come home that following weekend. 

One of my best friend’s Amy and her service dog Mingus (but I call him Pig) came to visit me this weekend. We had our usual marathon of food adventuring, inside jokes and psychic friends moments. Amy and I think so much alike that it’s slightly unnerving. And not even alike, but literally the exact same thoughts at the exact same time. 

There’s another scholarship that had its open application period start yesterday, so I need to start that. The semester started last week also which added to my overall feeling of stress, anxiety, desperation and hopelessness. I do like that the boyfriend will be gone this weekend so I can get a head start on my readings and homework.

I might also have a cold. I’m fighting it off with all the lemon and ginger tea I can boil, but maaaaan did I ever take an uncongested nose for granted before.

Fun Stuff

I want this on record for myself when I start feeling down in a few weeks when my boyfriend starts his multiple long underways per month that I planned plenty of fun things with(out) him.

This weekend we’re doing brunch and a movie to see the last Resident Evil movie. I love Milla Jovovich and he has this sick homemade Umbrella Corp., Halloween costume…I may even try to talk him into wearing it. There’s also a burlesque show that one of my group mates from my burlesque group back home in the Bay Area is in! It’s on Saturday though and my boyfriend has duty Sunday, but maybe.

Next weekend my best friend Amy (and my puppy nephew) are coming to visit. I’m taking them to their first trip to the San Diego Zoo and she’s dragging me to a sports bar to take part in her annual ritual of a Super Bowl party.

On February 16th…yeah 16th, I’m going to the PostModern Jukebox concert! Woohoo! I haven’t been to a concert in years.

The first weekend of March my mom will be here! I will also be a proud new used car owner! Which also reminds me that I need to start making appointments with the different credit unions around here and see who can give me the best interest rate.

The second weekend of March, Amy is coming down here again to pick me up on our roadtrip to Vegas for our friend Remy’s 30th birthday. There’s the usual chaos right now associated with trying to organize a group trip and especially when only the same FOUR PEOPLE are replying to anything on the event page…(deep breath). Not my party, not my problem.

Ooh my god how could I put this third in things happening in March!? March is when I find out if I got into San Diego State or not! Duuhhh!!

I bought a Groupon for a month of unlimited yoga at a studio five minutes away from my house. I went last night and tonight, woo woo! I’m going to make the most of this Groupon. I’ve been feeling so slow and sloppy and unsatisfied with my body for the past…definitely the last three years, but probably more like the last five if not longer. I’m not “unhealthy” my cholesterol, blood pressure, risk of diabetes, heart disease, eye sight and hearing and all that sort of stuff is fine. But in the past three-four years I’ve gone up a shirt size, a pants and dress size and an entire bra cup size. Which was a hard fact to accept. I’ve been roughly the same size since senior year of high school (which was almost 12 years ago, aahh!) and it HURT for me to admit, even if it was just to myself that my body was changing. After my Groupon is up I’m heavily considering signing up for their monthly unlimited pass, $89/month for students. Which compared to most other yoga/pilates/barre/exercise studios anywhere in California is amazing! I’m going to start meal prepping again so I can’t use the “I’m too lazy to cook” excuse or “I have nothing to eat”. Ooh, that reminds me, I need to renew my membership at the Ocean Beach People’s Co-Op. Their bulk granola bins are soo good! My boyfriend has a modest home gym in his garage; treadmill, elliptical, free weights, bench press annd…one other thing that I don’t know the name of. I might start doing cardio on the weekends since I tend to wake up earlier than he does. I’m tired of feeling tired and run down all the time. Yes, ideally I’d love to lose weight, but I remember at my thinnest I had great muscle tone in my arms -especially my deltoids and in my quads from working constantly as a massage therapist and by constantly walking up and down all the hills in San Francisco after I moved into my first ever apartment, and I want that same muscle back.

It’s funny, I don’t blog more often because I think I won’t have anything to say and then I end up having things come spilling out through my fingertips.

Cue the Nerves

This past Monday, the 23rd was the deadline for the supplemental application for SDSU. Eee! Everyone’s application all automatically gets sent in at the same time. I, being my normal paranoid self had to double check just now to make sure that it did annnd it did. Yay! I won’t find out if I’m accepted or not till March and luckily so far I have quite a few things to keep me occupied. In the college bound realm, I had last blogged about finding several scholarships for childhood cancer survivors. I found four exactly! Well, I found way more than four, but I found four that I can apply to this year and another two that have to wait till next year and with it my new 3.0 GPA. One scholarship I’m applying for is the SamFund and the other is Cancer for College. Which, funny segue the founder of Cancer for College is frat brothers with Will Ferrel (yes, THE Will Ferrel) and at a charity golf game that the dad for one of the families that I nanny for, participated in, got to meet Will Ferrel! Super random sidenote, but I thought it was cool.

The deadline for those two scholarships are January 31st and February 1st. I have several people working on letters of recommendation for me (ooh, which reminds me, I need to make a follow up phone call tomorrow morning. Remember self!) my former pediatrician has my medical history verification annnd what else…ahh yes, I need to send in a copy of my transcripts. I’m nervous, a little excited, I’ve never applied for a scholarship before. Last week I was working on the personal essay section for one of the ‘ships and man…it was intense. I was in tears for the better half of an hour recalling my experience as a kid and now as an adult looking back on how everything affected my family that as a child when it was happening, I was oblivious to. I’m getting choked up now just thinking of what I had written. My mom sacrificed so much for so many years that even if I only get one ‘ship, I can sort of show her that it’s my own modest way of “paying” her back. My degree at the end of all of this is just as much for her as it is for me. I’m going to be the first female in either my mom or father’s families with an American college degree. College is not an option in my families, it’s just that almost everyone’s gone to college in the Philippines.

While I’m on the subject of nerves, I had quite the case of them this past Saturday. I participated in my first peaceful protest at the Women’s March in San Diego. It was awe inspiring and heart warming to see such a show of solidarity across the world. I know people have their issues with the protest and I even agree with some things, but c’mon! Millions of women, and men and children of all ages all came together because we all share the same desire for women of ALL colors, sexual orientations, education and income backgrounds to be treated with the same respect, courtesy and humanity as men. I won’t get into it. My own thoughts on feminism and equality are too jumbled for me to even try to begin to articulate them.

I’ve recently discovered how good The Neighbourhood’s music is aside from the radio friendly Sweater Weather. My personal favorite is Flawless.

Ooh Heeey Deadlines

I just spent the last hour looking up and fine combing the eligibility requirements for over half a dozen scholarships. This does not include the hour and change I spent last night diving down the rabbit hole of niche scholarships that I am after. I’m trying to convince myself that if I start acting like I already got accepted into San Diego State (I know it’s easier to just use the acronym SDSU, but I hate acronyms and most abbreviations) that I will be able to manifest and will my admission for Fall 2017. The keyword in that ramble is ‘trying’. I don’t have the most stellar grades, they are moderately above average at best. I got hosed out of an A by just a few measly points from one of my professors this past semester so I’m .11 points away from meeting the minimum 3.0 GPA requirement that most scholarships ask of their applicants.

The specific scholarships I am applying for are for childhood cancer survivors. Funny how something I never and I mean NEVER tell anyone I know in real life, I just spill to a world of strangers. I was six years old when I was first diagnosed with leukemia. I did chemo for two years and have been in remission since I was eight years old. I was so little when it happened and my mom did a truly wonderous job of making sure I knew next to nothing about what was happening to me, that it was only slightly out of the ordinary that I had doctor’s appointments three times a week and lost all the hair off my head and went from being a scrawny six-year-old to being plumped and pumped up on steroids to stimulate my appetite. This diagnosis came only after three and a half years of us leaving the Philippines to come to California. Only in recent years did my mom reveal to me the depth of her heartache and struggle. I won’t go on about that, I have to save it for my scholarship application essays!

The point of this post is that three of the scholarships I want to apply for, have deadlines on the last day of January and the first day of February. Eee! Soon! I have to miraculously┬á squeeze in an appointment with my doctor here to get her to sign off on medical history forms and possibly get some records from when I was a kid regarding my diagnosis. Considering that I didn’t know about any of these scholarships until 24 hours ago, I won’t be devastated if I don’t make the cutoff dates, but I’ll be high key bummed. Full key bummed? What’s the opposite of low-key? I’m slightly stressed out about getting everything together in time.

On a much happier, but not necessarily lighter note, I had my new favorite curry ramen for dinner tonight, mmm! If you’re ever in San Diego check out RakiRaki Ramen. The original Convoy location is crazy busy, but heeey their Little Italy location – which is the one I went to tonight, and is MUCH closer to my house, is equally as delicious and significantly less crowded.

I’m Horrible at Blogging, Part One

I spend almost every weekend (Friday night to Sunday evening) at my boyfriend’s place. It’s the only time we have for each other. He’s usually off work earlier than I am, but I often have evening class three days a week as well as the reading and homework that goes with each class. Occasionally he’ll do a night at my place or we miss a weekend because he’s underway or I flew home for a few days. It’s easier for me to go to his place since he has his own townhouse as opposed to me and my four roommates. Why explain this? Because I usually ghost out on real life during the weekend. I handle all (or like 80%) of my responsibilities during the week so for the few hours we get to spend together, my biggest concern is: What’re we going go eat?”

I said I was going to go more in depth on how I feel about what his orders will be after his deployment, but I think I’ll hold off on that for now. Requisitions (again, I am the WORST at remembering what proper military terms are) came down yesterday, what openings on what ships will be available for him to request for sea duty. I thought he had to wait a few months to send in his next round of requests, but apparently not. So, again my fingers are crossed that he can find a set of orders he likes and get to stay in San Diego a little longer.

The uncertainty, for now at least, of what’s going to happen to him, where the Navy is going to send him after his deployment is a major anxiety of mine, and I’m assuming his as well. We don’t talk about what will happen after his deployment. It’s too far ahead into the future and makes me more emotional than I like to display. We’ve joked a few times about what happens if he gets stationed in Japan or Italy or Guam, about how we’ll both need a to start racking up frequent flier miles and he’ll be miserable without easy access to Taco Bell, but really and truly…I don’t know if I could do a long term long distance relationship. Deployment is one thing, that has a bearable, definitive end point. His next set of orders is for three years. Two of which I will (hopefully) be at San Diego State and unable (and maybe if I’m being utterly candid, unwilling) to join him.

Well, looks like I ended up talking about how I feel about his next set of orders. Slightly unrelated, if anyone does read this, are you participating in any of the many women’s marches going on this Saturday? I’ve decided that a little rain or risk of arrest will stop me from peacefully protesting. 

No Orders Is Good Orders

I went to Mesa yesterday to work and what I overly estimated the ability to submit my supplement application for SDSU. I had three separate transfer center…advisors(?) help me and naturally after wasting forty minutes it wasn’t until the third advisor that came along to help, actually helped me. I was stuck trying  recalculate my cumulative GPA from my three semesters at Mesa and all my years at City College of San Francisco getting my Associate’s degree…beeeefore the magical third advisor came along and showed me how to log back on to CSUMentor to find my previously calculated GPA on my original application and just add Fall’s grades to it!

I was more than slightly irritated. I’m going back again tomorrow to (fingers crossed) finish and submit it. 

The boyfriend submitted his three sea duty…preferrences (I am awful at military lingo) and got his answer back…he got none of his choices. Which is not bad, he doesn’t need new orders till the end of the year. He just has to resubmit I assume either the same preferrences or new ones, I believe in March. So, I suppose yay on that for now. 

Tomorrow I might go more in depth on how I feel about whether my boyfriend gets his choice of orders or not.