Riding The High

I got to talk to my boyfriend for a continuous hour and a half yesterday!! Though by talk I mean Gchat messages since he was sneaking away to use the computer while he had watch. He’s off the “duct tape division” which he had been assigned to since before they deployed and back in radio which he claims will give him more time and access to the computer.

The first ten minutes of our conversation I tried not to get too excited since I never know how long we’ll have to talk, but it was the best feeling yesterday. I ended up getting called off from the restaurant which I just realized now worked out well since I would’ve had to have cut my conversation short with my boyfriend yesterday. I also realize how much of a thrill, a little micro surge of adrenaline I get from hearing my Google Hangouts notification go off with a message from him. 

It made my day ☺️. And I went to go watch Wonder Woman again in theatres. YES, it’s that good to go see twice. 

My friend Rachael had her birthday pool party on Saturday which a few hours into it turned into a topless pool party, 👙🍊🍊🍈🍈!! I bought a pool float for the occasion and now face the dilemma of how to blow it up for any subsesquent use. 

It felt good to socialize and to remind myself that I do have a life aside from working and exercising. My Groupon with The Dailey Method expires on July 1st and I bought a new two month unlimited Groupon for this fancy pants yoga studio by my house. My boyfriend says he notices a difference from my newfound “fitness plan”, mainly in my stomach and butt ☺️☺️. I don’t believe him since I don’t notice much of a difference at all, but I hear that’s common with most people when they start to work out, you see yourself everyday so it’s harder to notice the changes. 

I’m happy today and it feels good.

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Dislike Deployment pt. 2

The reality and frustration of my boyfriend being gone has finally set in. What tipped it for me has been the lack and inconsistency of communication. Some weeks we get to text a few days consecutively and sort of catch up with each other. The majority of the time it’s been me texting him a funny meme or a random thought and him replying to me days later. There is no rapport or flow of conversation. I miss his voice. I miss his face. I miss dragging him with me to new restaurants I want to check out and he begrudingly agrees. 

I’ve started to follow a few other military girlfriend blogs on here that I’ll start reading their posts soon. I know that I’m not alone in trying to survive his deployment, but I’ve always been quite skilled at excluding myself. In my casual browsing here and on Instagram I already know that I have little in common with most other milsos. I’m from a big, liberal city and am not patriotic. I’m foreign born and a minority. My boyfriend and I met each other when we were both older than when it seems most military couples meet each other. My boyfriend isn’t patriotic himself and doesn’t make any efforts to publicize the fact that he’s in the Navy. He and I don’t live together, didn’t rush into our relationship nor have we made any plans for our future yet. 

I know that’s where part of my feeling of otherness comes from; the uncertainty of whether or not we’re going to have a future, the very tentative nature that our relationship has become. We’re still a relatively new couple and the military lifestyle is still completely foreign to me. As “just a girlfriend” I have no rights or benefits. No healthcare or access to the commissary or base privileges. If anything major goes wrong and happens to him, his emergency contacts are his parents. 

In seventeen days he’ll have been gone for two months. It feels like so much longer already.

Happy Loving Day!!

A little background story on me, that I don’t tell almost anyone. 

On this day, June 12th, 2012 I got married. I don’t want to go into detail, I did it to try and help the boyfriend I had at the time and it rapidly unraveled into the biggest among the few regrets I have. But, I had picked this date for a specific reason. At the time I was taking a psychology class and in my reading I found out that June 12th was the day that the ban on interracial marriage in America was finally over turned for all states. All thanks in part to the courageous couple of Richard and Mildred Loving. 

I have always dated interracially. I’m Filipino. I’ve had boyfriends and dated men who are white, Mexican, Salvadoran, and mixed with all sorts of other ethnicities. I know I’m lucky to have grown up in my diverse Bay Area bubble where interracial couples and mixed children were not judged or uncommon. Today is the 50th, the golden anniversary of when the Lovings won their court case against the state of Virginia. Thank you, Lovings, may you rest in peace with the legacy you’ve left behind. 

On a slightly related note, I’ve finally found the song that makes me instantly think of my boyfriend, “our” song I suppose, though I have yet to tell him so. It’s “Beyond The Sea” by Bobby Caldwell, though I much prefer the Kevin Spacey cover. A little cliche given the fact that he’s in the Navy, but exactly why I think it’s so fitting. One month into his deployment and now I miss him. Not terribly, mostly the physical comfort of him. Curling up in bed together on weekends, laying my leg on top of his when we read next to each other in bed, holding hands when we’re in the car.

They were in Singapore and had that cut short. I’ll wait till they leave where they are now before updating on him. I do wish he’d understand the concept of TIME ZONES though and realize he’s texting me usually in the inconvenient time from midnight to 5am. It was nice getting to talk to him for two days in a row though. Text only, his wifi wasn’t good enough for audio or video.

Here’s to Loving Day 💜💙 (my favorite color is purple, his is blue) 👩🏻‍🏫👮🏻(I used to be a preschool teacher and I do wear glasses, I know he’s not a police officer, or allowed to have a mustache, but it was the closest to his uniform in the emojis).

One Month in Four Days

I officially don’t like deployment. Not that I ever actually liked having my boyfriend thousands of miles, oceans, continents and time zones away, but now it’s official. Save for their brief stop in Hawaii, they’ve been out at sea this entire time so we’ve only been able to talk once a week in short five minute bursts that usually end with him dashing off to go back to work. 

They’ve pulled into port now so fingers crossed we get to video chat in the next few days because I miss his face. I miss a lot of things, but I’ll settle for getting to see him again. He has duty tomorrow/later today since he’s fifteen hours ahead of me right now and he’ll be getting up for work soon. 

Now I have to go inside to my Dailey Method class. I bought a Groupon for one month unlimited + bonus week and this is my second week attending class. I really like it so far! Challenging without being hard and I always leave feeling sore.

I hope all seven of you enjoy your Sundays or Mondays wherever you are!

Adrift

I’ve been feeling lost, restless lately. 

I’ve mentioned (at least I’m pretty sure) that I didn’t get into San Diego State for Fall semester. I still haven’t fully processed what this means. I’ve been repressing my true disappointment about it. I moved to San Diego, almost three years ago with the sole reason being to attend SDSU. Yes, I know I’m reapplying for Spring 2018, but this was not part of my plan. I’ve gotten so used to going to class in the evenings, doing reading and homework, writing papers and studying for tests and exams, group work and all sorts of other school related things that to now be without school for the next…eight months, I don’t know what to do. 

I’ve joked around before with other people that ask what I’ll do with all my newfound free time that I have no idea what to do, but it’s actually the truth. I’ve opened up my availability at the restaurant, but it’s no guarantee that they’ll schedule me. I know more people in San Diego now than when I first moved here, but no one that I consider a real friend that I feel comfortable enough to hang out regularly. 

At the end of tomorrow it’ll be three weeks sincr my boyfriend deployed. No word on where they are other than the middle of the ocean headed towards Asia. I kind of miss him. We’re not the couple that constantly texts through the day or sends cutesy memes and videos to each other. But something funny or stressful will happen at the restaurant or I’ll see something that reminds me of him that I want to talk to him about, but I can’t. He messaged me this past Thursday while I was working and I replied when I was off, but haven’t heard back yet. That’s proving to be the most difficult thing, the inconsistency of when we can actually communicate. I do miss sleeping next to him, though. 

I bought a Groupon for The Dailey Method. I’ve only been to one class so far, but I’m excited to see how it goes! I have a “fitness” and I do use that term loosely plan in mind, but I’ll make that a separate post.

One Week Post Deployment

I’m genuinely surprised that it’s been an entire week (well almost, I don’t consider the day over till I’m going to sleep) since my boyfriend’s deployment. Last Monday was rough. I didn’t go to see him off in the afternoon for Manning the Rails, but after checking his ship’s facebook page (such a great idea a friend of mine here in San Diego suggested to check on the ship’s overall status) and seeing all the families seeing their various sailors off, I regret not going. Ooh well. If I can make it through this deployment we have another one waiting for us next summer (grumbly noise).

The last few days have been hitting me hard. The mom of the first family that I ever nannied for has just come back from her deployment on the Makin Island today. That was the ship my boyfriend requested multiple times for orders since they wouldn’t deploy again for a while. It took eight/nine days for them to sail for Hawaii back to San Diego so I won’t get to talk (really hopefully video chat) with my boyfriend till tomorrow at the earliest before they set off forreals. I remember when the mom of my first nanny family left fordeployment in October, and as a removed third party I didn’t think much of it and was surprised she was already coming back home. 

I’m hoping the next 28 weeks passes as quickly as this past week did. Also, today is the last day for San Diego State to get back to me about admission for Fall semester and right now it’s looking like it’s not going to happen.

In case anyone was wanting a vague idea of what my boyfriend and I look like. This was Rodeo Beach in the Marin Headlands on the other side of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Deployment Eve

My boyfriend deploys tomorrow. 

If nothing changes and the US doesn’t initiate World War III he’ll be back by the end of the year. I’m dropping him off tomorrow morning at 6:30am. His ship doesn’t leave till later in the afternoon and there’s the Manning The Rails ceremony for when the ship actually does leave that I can technically attend…but nah. I’ve taken two weeks off work already to go to Missouri and back to San Francisco with him (future posts to follow about that whirlwind) and can’t/don’t want to take anymore time off work. My boyfriend also says that Manning the Rails is incredibly slow and boring and that there is the distinct possibility that he either won’t be able to leave the radio department (his department) or if he does, there’s no guarantee that I’d even be able to see where they position him from the dock.

I’ve been asked multiple times how I feel about him leaving, what I’ll do with myself while he’s gone and another similar inquiries. 

Short answer is: I don’t know. This is all brand new territory for me. I’ve never seriously dated anyone in the military nor done long distance before. I don’t know what to expect or how I’m going to feel. I know what I’m going to do: work work work, two jobs and make that money. The anxiety that I’ve had this whole time counting down to these last few hours is finally here and I’m…indifferent. It feels like he’s going on a long work trip, which I guess it kinda is. He keeps saying seven months to everyone and yes, cognitively I know seven months, that means December but…

I’m not overwhelming sad or upset or distraught about not being physically with him for the next seven months. I know that I’m going to miss him. I know that we’ll still be able to communicate with each other, however irregularly.

I feel like I’m waiting to feel some grandiose outpouring of emotions and I have nothing. 

One Month Later…

I just noticed that next week would’ve been a month since my last blog post. I am awful. Really. At blogging. And various other things, but really blogging. Things have mostly been quiet, nothing too exciting to report. Well, one exciting thing: I started a new job!

That interview I mentioned in my last post was the fastest interview of my life. I was in and out of there in twelve minutes. I honestly think that the restaurant hires its hostess (and the majority of the staff) based on looks. I mean it is in Del Mar and the majority of female patrons I see coming to the restaurant look like rejects of The Real Housewives of Orange County, so a business centered there that only hires attractive people, and they hired me? Heeeey girl heeey! I’m loving it so far. I’m only working weekends right now till after my boyfriend and I get back from our trip and then I’ll add on extra days, but so far everyone I’ve met has been really friendly and welcoming and doesn’t treat me like the new girl.

I checked my San Diego State communications portal and reread this critical piece of information that I neglected to read in my initial disappointment in not getting accepted: They let people on the wait-list know their final decision during the first two weeks of May. So, there is a glimmer, a sliver of a ray of hope that I can still get in for Fall semester. Which was another reason I wanted to find a non-childcare related second job, to have a little more flexibility with my schedule should I have to pick out classes soon.

Please keep your fingers crossed and direct all the good luck you can spare towards me for the next three weeks!

Speaking of the trip my boyfriend and I are taking, I am only excited for half of it. The first half we are spending in rural Missouri with his parents. His parents have a nice enough house and a decent amount of property (at least from what he’s shown me on Google Maps) but it’s also old as hell. Their house was built in the 1800s and originally used as a funeral home. Their garage is technically a carriage house. Growing up my boyfriend drank well water that tasted like frogs. This city girl is NOT ready. Not remotely, which haha (read that in the tone Nelson laughs in from The Simpsons) is exactly how I will be from next Thursday to the Tuesday following that. 

If you guys don’t hear back from me after a month, you’ll know I didn’t make it back from Missouri. 

The half of the trip that I’m excited about is the part where I get to take him home to SAN FRANCISCO!! I have soo many things planned for us. The Academy of Sciences, Golden Gate Park and Bridge, The Haight, Coit Tower, Twin Peaks, and soo much food. For every day of food isolation I will have in Missouri I will be comforted with the certainty of amazing food waiting for me in San Francisco. And also like my family and friends and stuff. 

After the trip is over we have a handful of days, which upsettingly keeps getting shuffled around to sooner and sooner before my boyfriend deploys. He and I still haven’t gone too in depth with his deployment yet, what affect it will have on our relationship. I don’t think either of us is ready to discuss the looming elephant in the room: “us” not surviving the deployment. Add to that the almost more than possibility of The Dictator in Office pushing Murrica to the brink of World War III and we’re both…apprehensive to say the least.

Lastly, because I explicitly told him that I wouldn’t blog about this: He and I have this borderline compulsive game of blowing raspberries on each other’s stomachs. I am usually the victim and he the victor, but not tonight! Tonight I got him six times and he a paltry two. Does anyone else have these hilarious games they play with their significant other? 

Baddish News Blog #1

I heitate to even say this blog is “bad”. What happened is so fresh that I haven’t even fully realized how I feel about it. 

A few hours ago my boyfriend and I were downstairs in his kitchen going over his to-do list of things for his day off tomorrow. I reminded him that we still need to book our flights to go visit his parents in Missouri and to see my friends and family in San Francisco. What he said led me to breakout in a full body sweat. 

“About that…that’s going to gander a talk…” in this long, drawn out, hesitant manner. He had assumed that I was taking these trips far more seriously than he was. He assumed that I thought, “Oh a trip back to each of our hometowns, this is a big deal”. He assumed that I would want a more serious committment after this trip and/or especially after he got back from deployment. He assumed that I wanted us to be on the track for marriage. 

Why yes, I did indeed laugh, nay cackle in his face. I corrected his many assumptions. I’ve only ever lived in the Bay Area so naturally that’s where most of my boyfriend’s parents and families live also. I have simply never had to bring someone back home with me to meet my friends and family. No big deal. I’ve already met both his parents and from the little he’s told me about his younger sister, I don’t particularly want to meet her. I most certainly DO NOT want to waste four vacation days in the middle of nowhere, straight up opposite end of the civilization spectrum, in Missouri. Eww. Gross. No. Sorry if anyone reading this is from the Midwest or South, but…ya girl’s a city girl through and through forever and always. Yes, I am excited to bring him to San Francisco. And by that I mean the actual city of San Francisco. I’m glad he’ll get to meet my friends, but I think except for a dinner and maybe a happy hour, it’ll just be me showing him around my beloved hometown. What freaked him out was this homework assignment I had for my Sex, Marriage and Family psychology class. I had to price out my dream wedding. My dream wedding cost about $80 grand. I jokingly (or so I thought!) told him that ours wouldn’t cost nearly that much. 

He told me that he very much enjoyed the way our relationship was and didn’t want me to have these far out ideas of it changing. Silly, silly boy. I’m from San Francisco, the land of people being together for yeeeears before getting married! Ooh!! He also, while on his assumption bender, told me that if he ever did marry again, he would only do it after he got out of the Navy. Which is in eight years. Which is fine. Yes, I do occasionally think about his and my’s far off future and yes I can see marriage but it’s not anything I’m pushing for. We’ve only been together a year!

He kept saying over and over again how he didn’t want me to be waiting around for him, expecting essentially a proposal when he got back and being disappointed. He also once again brought up the fact that he would understand if I met someone else while he was gone and I couldn’t wait for him to come back. That’s really what pissed me off. His assumptions I could handle and correct and see how he would assume those things. But this…one not only his assumption that I would cheat on him while he was gone, but really, and I just realized this: that he so easily and almost disinterestedly is willing to walk away from our relationship. He wouldn’t even argue or put up a fight, he would just accept it as if our relationship was such a trivial thing. That’s what hurts. Feeling as if I and our time together can be wiped away like steam on a bathroom mirror.

I have to tell him this. God, I love blogging!

I’m Back!

So weird, I thought I had made a mini blog about how chaotic things had been for me lately, but that I would be back with a full update soon. Ooh well. Here’s the big full update!

Firstly, my biggest piece of good news, I GOT MY NEW CAR! It’s a 2014 maroon Honda Civic and I absolutely love it. It has all the features I wanted and is well within my budget. I had originally been eyeing a Hyundai Elantra or a Mazda 3, but in a fit of sleeplessness I cruised over to a local Honda dealership’s website to see what they had in stock and now it’s mine! I don’t understand why people refer to cars as girls, but I do want to name mine. I’m thinking Adam or Levine or actually Jane since the color listed on the car’s history and details is maroon and I was a big Maroon 5 fan in high school. Jane comes from their first album, titles Songs About Jane. Why yes, I’ve decided just now, my car is Jane.

I got to see most of my core group of friends two weeks ago in Vegas, for my friend Remy’s 30th birthday. I road tripped by myself in the new ride, partly to break her in (ahh I just gendered my car!) and partly due to a MAJOR falling out with my friend Amy. I think I might make a separate blog about that. Back to Vegas, after having been there multiple times, Vegas quickly loses it’s appeal. I don’t gamble and I’m not the big party all night and dance in the club girl like I used to be in my prime. It was mostly good to see my friends, since I haven’t been home to San Francisco since my birthday in September.

The next biggest positive…well at least not entirely negative thing, that’s mostly an internal thing is that I’ve decided that once this current school year is up, I am leaving my Tuesday/Thursday nanny family whom I’ve been with for over two years now. I started off full-time with them, when the kids were younger, but now the eldest is almost at the end of kindergarten and the younger is signed up for full-time preschool starting in July. The schools where that family live operate on a year round schedule. They signed the younger up for full-time since they knew I had applied to San Diego State and were unsure of what my availability would be like once Fall semester started. I haven’t told them that 1. I was waitlisted and 2. they’ve been on vacay and I want to tell them in person. It was an extremely difficult and emotional decision to make and one that I still hesitate to finalize. I love those two kids, I’m so attached to them, BUT I am only with them ten hours a week. I have car payments to make and other bills to pay.

I am terrified. Ending a job and job hunting is so scary. I’ve been prowling craigslist and applying to e-v-e-r-ythiiiiing. Host and busser positions since I can’t be a server since I have no experience, admin and receptionist positions at spas and salons since I used to be a massage therapist. I sent out a bunch of resumes for childcare too the other night. Yes, I love kids. Yes, I am dedicating my entire professional career to them. I want to challenge myself. I want to use this fear I have of leaving my long time nanny family and have it push me beyond being afraid. Eww, I sounded like such a motivational speaker just now. I see them Thursday and ahh the anxiety consuming me!

On the job search, I had an interview yesterday! My friend Sauce (her preferred name, no idea what her “real” name is) is a manager at a fluff and fold laundry mat and they’re hiring. My next task is to schedule a secondary interview with the actual owner which will be tricky since he is only available on Mondays and Fridays in the morning which is a problem since I’m at work! I have an interview on Thursday for a hostess position at this kinda yuppie/beachy restaurant in Del Mar. Which that description fits the entire city of Del Mar, yuppie and beachy. I SO SO SOO want the hostess job! I miss interacting with adults and being social. Plus the hostess gets tipped so that’s always nice. Although, I also wouldn’t mind working at the laundry mat. Sauce and her co-manager Heather were hilarious to interview with.

My newest mantra is: I’m not afraid to hustle.” I’m really doing my best to not let my fear back me into a corner of complacency.

And lastly, as I am now going to make two separate blogs concerning heavier, more draining things, MY BOYFRIEND GOT HIS LATEST REQUEST FOR ORDERS APPROVED!! Woo woo!! Which means that yaaaaas he’s staying in San Diego!! It could mean that he has to deploy back-to-back and be gone for possibly an entire year, but the important part is that he gets to come back here.

I just realized I should have done the happy blog second…