Adrift

I’ve been feeling lost, restless lately. 

I’ve mentioned (at least I’m pretty sure) that I didn’t get into San Diego State for Fall semester. I still haven’t fully processed what this means. I’ve been repressing my true disappointment about it. I moved to San Diego, almost three years ago with the sole reason being to attend SDSU. Yes, I know I’m reapplying for Spring 2018, but this was not part of my plan. I’ve gotten so used to going to class in the evenings, doing reading and homework, writing papers and studying for tests and exams, group work and all sorts of other school related things that to now be without school for the next…eight months, I don’t know what to do. 

I’ve joked around before with other people that ask what I’ll do with all my newfound free time that I have no idea what to do, but it’s actually the truth. I’ve opened up my availability at the restaurant, but it’s no guarantee that they’ll schedule me. I know more people in San Diego now than when I first moved here, but no one that I consider a real friend that I feel comfortable enough to hang out regularly. 

At the end of tomorrow it’ll be three weeks sincr my boyfriend deployed. No word on where they are other than the middle of the ocean headed towards Asia. I kind of miss him. We’re not the couple that constantly texts through the day or sends cutesy memes and videos to each other. But something funny or stressful will happen at the restaurant or I’ll see something that reminds me of him that I want to talk to him about, but I can’t. He messaged me this past Thursday while I was working and I replied when I was off, but haven’t heard back yet. That’s proving to be the most difficult thing, the inconsistency of when we can actually communicate. I do miss sleeping next to him, though. 

I bought a Groupon for The Dailey Method. I’ve only been to one class so far, but I’m excited to see how it goes! I have a “fitness” and I do use that term loosely plan in mind, but I’ll make that a separate post.

One Week Post Deployment

I’m genuinely surprised that it’s been an entire week (well almost, I don’t consider the day over till I’m going to sleep) since my boyfriend’s deployment. Last Monday was rough. I didn’t go to see him off in the afternoon for Manning the Rails, but after checking his ship’s facebook page (such a great idea a friend of mine here in San Diego suggested to check on the ship’s overall status) and seeing all the families seeing their various sailors off, I regret not going. Ooh well. If I can make it through this deployment we have another one waiting for us next summer (grumbly noise).

The last few days have been hitting me hard. The mom of the first family that I ever nannied for has just come back from her deployment on the Makin Island today. That was the ship my boyfriend requested multiple times for orders since they wouldn’t deploy again for a while. It took eight/nine days for them to sail for Hawaii back to San Diego so I won’t get to talk (really hopefully video chat) with my boyfriend till tomorrow at the earliest before they set off forreals. I remember when the mom of my first nanny family left fordeployment in October, and as a removed third party I didn’t think much of it and was surprised she was already coming back home. 

I’m hoping the next 28 weeks passes as quickly as this past week did. Also, today is the last day for San Diego State to get back to me about admission for Fall semester and right now it’s looking like it’s not going to happen.

In case anyone was wanting a vague idea of what my boyfriend and I look like. This was Rodeo Beach in the Marin Headlands on the other side of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Deployment Eve

My boyfriend deploys tomorrow. 

If nothing changes and the US doesn’t initiate World War III he’ll be back by the end of the year. I’m dropping him off tomorrow morning at 6:30am. His ship doesn’t leave till later in the afternoon and there’s the Manning The Rails ceremony for when the ship actually does leave that I can technically attend…but nah. I’ve taken two weeks off work already to go to Missouri and back to San Francisco with him (future posts to follow about that whirlwind) and can’t/don’t want to take anymore time off work. My boyfriend also says that Manning the Rails is incredibly slow and boring and that there is the distinct possibility that he either won’t be able to leave the radio department (his department) or if he does, there’s no guarantee that I’d even be able to see where they position him from the dock.

I’ve been asked multiple times how I feel about him leaving, what I’ll do with myself while he’s gone and another similar inquiries. 

Short answer is: I don’t know. This is all brand new territory for me. I’ve never seriously dated anyone in the military nor done long distance before. I don’t know what to expect or how I’m going to feel. I know what I’m going to do: work work work, two jobs and make that money. The anxiety that I’ve had this whole time counting down to these last few hours is finally here and I’m…indifferent. It feels like he’s going on a long work trip, which I guess it kinda is. He keeps saying seven months to everyone and yes, cognitively I know seven months, that means December but…

I’m not overwhelming sad or upset or distraught about not being physically with him for the next seven months. I know that I’m going to miss him. I know that we’ll still be able to communicate with each other, however irregularly.

I feel like I’m waiting to feel some grandiose outpouring of emotions and I have nothing. 

One Month Later…

I just noticed that next week would’ve been a month since my last blog post. I am awful. Really. At blogging. And various other things, but really blogging. Things have mostly been quiet, nothing too exciting to report. Well, one exciting thing: I started a new job!

That interview I mentioned in my last post was the fastest interview of my life. I was in and out of there in twelve minutes. I honestly think that the restaurant hires its hostess (and the majority of the staff) based on looks. I mean it is in Del Mar and the majority of female patrons I see coming to the restaurant look like rejects of The Real Housewives of Orange County, so a business centered there that only hires attractive people, and they hired me? Heeeey girl heeey! I’m loving it so far. I’m only working weekends right now till after my boyfriend and I get back from our trip and then I’ll add on extra days, but so far everyone I’ve met has been really friendly and welcoming and doesn’t treat me like the new girl.

I checked my San Diego State communications portal and reread this critical piece of information that I neglected to read in my initial disappointment in not getting accepted: They let people on the wait-list know their final decision during the first two weeks of May. So, there is a glimmer, a sliver of a ray of hope that I can still get in for Fall semester. Which was another reason I wanted to find a non-childcare related second job, to have a little more flexibility with my schedule should I have to pick out classes soon.

Please keep your fingers crossed and direct all the good luck you can spare towards me for the next three weeks!

Speaking of the trip my boyfriend and I are taking, I am only excited for half of it. The first half we are spending in rural Missouri with his parents. His parents have a nice enough house and a decent amount of property (at least from what he’s shown me on Google Maps) but it’s also old as hell. Their house was built in the 1800s and originally used as a funeral home. Their garage is technically a carriage house. Growing up my boyfriend drank well water that tasted like frogs. This city girl is NOT ready. Not remotely, which haha (read that in the tone Nelson laughs in from The Simpsons) is exactly how I will be from next Thursday to the Tuesday following that. 

If you guys don’t hear back from me after a month, you’ll know I didn’t make it back from Missouri. 

The half of the trip that I’m excited about is the part where I get to take him home to SAN FRANCISCO!! I have soo many things planned for us. The Academy of Sciences, Golden Gate Park and Bridge, The Haight, Coit Tower, Twin Peaks, and soo much food. For every day of food isolation I will have in Missouri I will be comforted with the certainty of amazing food waiting for me in San Francisco. And also like my family and friends and stuff. 

After the trip is over we have a handful of days, which upsettingly keeps getting shuffled around to sooner and sooner before my boyfriend deploys. He and I still haven’t gone too in depth with his deployment yet, what affect it will have on our relationship. I don’t think either of us is ready to discuss the looming elephant in the room: “us” not surviving the deployment. Add to that the almost more than possibility of The Dictator in Office pushing Murrica to the brink of World War III and we’re both…apprehensive to say the least.

Lastly, because I explicitly told him that I wouldn’t blog about this: He and I have this borderline compulsive game of blowing raspberries on each other’s stomachs. I am usually the victim and he the victor, but not tonight! Tonight I got him six times and he a paltry two. Does anyone else have these hilarious games they play with their significant other? 

Baddish News Blog #1

I heitate to even say this blog is “bad”. What happened is so fresh that I haven’t even fully realized how I feel about it. 

A few hours ago my boyfriend and I were downstairs in his kitchen going over his to-do list of things for his day off tomorrow. I reminded him that we still need to book our flights to go visit his parents in Missouri and to see my friends and family in San Francisco. What he said led me to breakout in a full body sweat. 

“About that…that’s going to gander a talk…” in this long, drawn out, hesitant manner. He had assumed that I was taking these trips far more seriously than he was. He assumed that I thought, “Oh a trip back to each of our hometowns, this is a big deal”. He assumed that I would want a more serious committment after this trip and/or especially after he got back from deployment. He assumed that I wanted us to be on the track for marriage. 

Why yes, I did indeed laugh, nay cackle in his face. I corrected his many assumptions. I’ve only ever lived in the Bay Area so naturally that’s where most of my boyfriend’s parents and families live also. I have simply never had to bring someone back home with me to meet my friends and family. No big deal. I’ve already met both his parents and from the little he’s told me about his younger sister, I don’t particularly want to meet her. I most certainly DO NOT want to waste four vacation days in the middle of nowhere, straight up opposite end of the civilization spectrum, in Missouri. Eww. Gross. No. Sorry if anyone reading this is from the Midwest or South, but…ya girl’s a city girl through and through forever and always. Yes, I am excited to bring him to San Francisco. And by that I mean the actual city of San Francisco. I’m glad he’ll get to meet my friends, but I think except for a dinner and maybe a happy hour, it’ll just be me showing him around my beloved hometown. What freaked him out was this homework assignment I had for my Sex, Marriage and Family psychology class. I had to price out my dream wedding. My dream wedding cost about $80 grand. I jokingly (or so I thought!) told him that ours wouldn’t cost nearly that much. 

He told me that he very much enjoyed the way our relationship was and didn’t want me to have these far out ideas of it changing. Silly, silly boy. I’m from San Francisco, the land of people being together for yeeeears before getting married! Ooh!! He also, while on his assumption bender, told me that if he ever did marry again, he would only do it after he got out of the Navy. Which is in eight years. Which is fine. Yes, I do occasionally think about his and my’s far off future and yes I can see marriage but it’s not anything I’m pushing for. We’ve only been together a year!

He kept saying over and over again how he didn’t want me to be waiting around for him, expecting essentially a proposal when he got back and being disappointed. He also once again brought up the fact that he would understand if I met someone else while he was gone and I couldn’t wait for him to come back. That’s really what pissed me off. His assumptions I could handle and correct and see how he would assume those things. But this…one not only his assumption that I would cheat on him while he was gone, but really, and I just realized this: that he so easily and almost disinterestedly is willing to walk away from our relationship. He wouldn’t even argue or put up a fight, he would just accept it as if our relationship was such a trivial thing. That’s what hurts. Feeling as if I and our time together can be wiped away like steam on a bathroom mirror.

I have to tell him this. God, I love blogging!

I’m Back!

So weird, I thought I had made a mini blog about how chaotic things had been for me lately, but that I would be back with a full update soon. Ooh well. Here’s the big full update!

Firstly, my biggest piece of good news, I GOT MY NEW CAR! It’s a 2014 maroon Honda Civic and I absolutely love it. It has all the features I wanted and is well within my budget. I had originally been eyeing a Hyundai Elantra or a Mazda 3, but in a fit of sleeplessness I cruised over to a local Honda dealership’s website to see what they had in stock and now it’s mine! I don’t understand why people refer to cars as girls, but I do want to name mine. I’m thinking Adam or Levine or actually Jane since the color listed on the car’s history and details is maroon and I was a big Maroon 5 fan in high school. Jane comes from their first album, titles Songs About Jane. Why yes, I’ve decided just now, my car is Jane.

I got to see most of my core group of friends two weeks ago in Vegas, for my friend Remy’s 30th birthday. I road tripped by myself in the new ride, partly to break her in (ahh I just gendered my car!) and partly due to a MAJOR falling out with my friend Amy. I think I might make a separate blog about that. Back to Vegas, after having been there multiple times, Vegas quickly loses it’s appeal. I don’t gamble and I’m not the big party all night and dance in the club girl like I used to be in my prime. It was mostly good to see my friends, since I haven’t been home to San Francisco since my birthday in September.

The next biggest positive…well at least not entirely negative thing, that’s mostly an internal thing is that I’ve decided that once this current school year is up, I am leaving my Tuesday/Thursday nanny family whom I’ve been with for over two years now. I started off full-time with them, when the kids were younger, but now the eldest is almost at the end of kindergarten and the younger is signed up for full-time preschool starting in July. The schools where that family live operate on a year round schedule. They signed the younger up for full-time since they knew I had applied to San Diego State and were unsure of what my availability would be like once Fall semester started. I haven’t told them that 1. I was waitlisted and 2. they’ve been on vacay and I want to tell them in person. It was an extremely difficult and emotional decision to make and one that I still hesitate to finalize. I love those two kids, I’m so attached to them, BUT I am only with them ten hours a week. I have car payments to make and other bills to pay.

I am terrified. Ending a job and job hunting is so scary. I’ve been prowling craigslist and applying to e-v-e-r-ythiiiiing. Host and busser positions since I can’t be a server since I have no experience, admin and receptionist positions at spas and salons since I used to be a massage therapist. I sent out a bunch of resumes for childcare too the other night. Yes, I love kids. Yes, I am dedicating my entire professional career to them. I want to challenge myself. I want to use this fear I have of leaving my long time nanny family and have it push me beyond being afraid. Eww, I sounded like such a motivational speaker just now. I see them Thursday and ahh the anxiety consuming me!

On the job search, I had an interview yesterday! My friend Sauce (her preferred name, no idea what her “real” name is) is a manager at a fluff and fold laundry mat and they’re hiring. My next task is to schedule a secondary interview with the actual owner which will be tricky since he is only available on Mondays and Fridays in the morning which is a problem since I’m at work! I have an interview on Thursday for a hostess position at this kinda yuppie/beachy restaurant in Del Mar. Which that description fits the entire city of Del Mar, yuppie and beachy. I SO SO SOO want the hostess job! I miss interacting with adults and being social. Plus the hostess gets tipped so that’s always nice. Although, I also wouldn’t mind working at the laundry mat. Sauce and her co-manager Heather were hilarious to interview with.

My newest mantra is: I’m not afraid to hustle.” I’m really doing my best to not let my fear back me into a corner of complacency.

And lastly, as I am now going to make two separate blogs concerning heavier, more draining things, MY BOYFRIEND GOT HIS LATEST REQUEST FOR ORDERS APPROVED!! Woo woo!! Which means that yaaaaas he’s staying in San Diego!! It could mean that he has to deploy back-to-back and be gone for possibly an entire year, but the important part is that he gets to come back here.

I just realized I should have done the happy blog second…

Heart Break

I got the email from San Diego State that I had been hoping, and awaiting anxiously, nay obsessively for the past few months…

I didn’t get in.

Over 83,000 applicants for only 8,200 or so available spots, blah blah blah. I’m still processing, my mind is still reeling and hasn’t fully accepted the information yet. I’ve only told my best friend Amy about it. I’m going to wait till my mom is here this weekend to tell her and only after we’ve bought my car. My boyfriend is underway till Friday and I’m still contemplating whether to tell him now or wait since the ship’s internet is garbage and he isn’t likely to receive what I send him.

I am devastated. I left behind everything in San Francisco, a wonderful career that I loved with good pay and excellent benefits, friends that loved and supported me, a fledgling burlesque second life, my family and most importantly an affordable, well maintained, rent controlled place to live. I left all that on this stupid whim and pipe dream that I had to live in this miserable excuse of a town, all to get into a school that everyone assured me that was foolproof to get into.

I’m at a loss for my next step.

Bullet Style Update

  • The boyfriend’s orders got rejected again. Resubmitting orders round three in a few weeks. 
  • No acceptance letter yet from SDSU. 
  • Mom here, Thursday night!
  • New car by Friday afternoon 🤞🏻.
  • Mom meeting the boyfriend Saturday 😬. 
  • Sleeping and eating habits are utter trash, must fix.
  • LED lightbulbs >>>> traditional bulbs.
  • SOO MUCH CLEANING TO DO. 
  • Mini one sided screaming session on Sunday. Me @ the boyfriend.

Is this what bullet journaling is? I kinda like it.

Slight Overreaction

I talked to the boyfriend. It was extremely beneficial to him and myself that I had a day to chill the fuck out before launching into this emotional upheaval that he would’ve been woefully unprepared for. I did get a tiny joy out of:

“I need to talk to you about something. It started bothering me yesterday after I texted you.”

“Ooh god. Is it bad? Is it heavy and emotional? It’s bad isn’t it?”

It’s adorable how scared and nervous he gets whenever I tell him that I need to talk to him about something. Yay, crisis averted. Next possible point of drama: he finds out this Thursday if his newest request for orders has been approved. Approved = good, he stays in San Diego. Not approved = no orders, has to submit another request in a few weeks. OR, worst case scenario, he does indeed receive orders that send him to the other end of the country, or world or deploy him for another year.

Tomorrow is March! Starting tomorrow I officially begin my obsessive email checking to see if my acceptance letter to San Diego State has arrived. Fingers crossed and all the good luck if you have any to spare would be deeply appreciated.

Feeling Insecure

This semester I’m taking a required psychology class; Sex, Marriage and Family that I need as one of my transfer requirements. So far it’s been pretty interesting and engaging, especially considering it’s a three hour Wednesday night class from 6:30-9:30pm. We’ve read the first four chapters of the textbook so far and in each chapter there’s usually one, if not more survey type sections where you can see on a scale where you fall in different aspects about your relationship, like how you feel about gender roles, your love style and such. I’ve taken all the surveys (but don’t remember my results) and I want to get my boyfriend to take them too, to see if our results match or if we’re different. The readings for class have been poking at me, stirring up questions about my relationship. Yesterday, while scrolling through facebook, my friend Evita had posted that (what I use to/may still consider) trite motivational quote about “if a man really wants you, he’ll pursue you, a woman shouldn’t be making all the effort, planning dates…” and all that. My assigned reading and that one stupid little quote has pushed me deep into the over analyzing part of  my brain that I don’t like. The part of my brain that leaps, not just jumps to conclusions, the part of my brain that only believes the worst in people, the part where all my insecurity and doubt and anxiety call home.

When I say insecurity, I don’t want to give the impression that I think my boyfriend is cheating on me or that he’s too good for me or anything like that. I am very much secure in the fidelity and faithfulness of my relationship. When I say security I mean more like am I even in a relationship? Does he actively want to be with me or is that just convenient? Do I make things too easy for him? I proudly admit that I am a Type A, micromanaging, control freak. I don’t trust people enough to do things for me in exactly the way I want. In a relationship (and not just romantic, my friends often tell me that I should forget my child development degree and make the big bucks being an event planner) I like to make most of the decisions and find events and restaurants and other social things for us to go do and see. I have an old school paper, calendar planner for me to write down all my appointments, deadlines, and socializing. And I truly enjoy doing this. I love finding all the different events and happenings going on around me, trying out new restaurants, meeting up with friends, I love opening my planner and seeing something to do every single day. My boyfriend on the other hand is a hermit. He loves nothing more than coming straight home from work, getting a workout done in his gym in the garage and then playing video games or spamming YouTube or catching up on his varied online forums until he has to go to sleep. He revealed to me last weekend, which was yet another bit of kindling to the now roaring bonfire of anxiety that a big reason why he decides to hole himself up in his office everyday is that when he was younger, he made a lot of bad decisions. He self admittedly has an addictive personality and when he was younger he’d push the boundaries of being in the military and being a candy raver. I’ll let you go ahead and assume what he liked to do in his off days back then. But, now that he’s less than a decade away from retiring and getting to do whatever he pleases he’s learned to be more cautious. I jokingly said that he’s basically decided to repress himself until retirement and he simply answered, yes.

My point in all this, and very much what I told one of my best friends earlier this afternoon is that I feel like I don’t get very much (if any) consideration in his day to do thinking. I spend every weekend at his place. I find restaurants and parties and other fun things for us to do. I cook…occasionally. I write down his duty days, and underway dates. I schedule all my beauty appointments (all the different body parts that I wax, nails, hair, facials,), run errands, do readings and homework, laundry and other various mundane life activities during the week, which now that I have class in the evenings two nights a week is difficult. I do all that so when the weekend comes I don’t have to do anything other than spend time with him. I may have previously briefly mentioned this in a previous blog…I do occasionally feel underappreciated. I do sometimes feel like I put in more effort in the relationship than he does. I also do know that when I ask his opinion on things that he wants to do on the weekend, just to make sure he really doesn’t mind what I have in mind that his answer 90% of the time will be, “I don’t care,” or “If you want to,” because he genuinely is indifferent to whatever I’ve thought up. Which I enjoy because it gives me a lot more creative freedom. But which also bothers me because sometimes I do want him to care.

The biggest catalyst to all this happened this afternoon. I had originally told him that I had things to do tonight and most of tomorrow morning and that I would see him some time tomorrow afternoon. My plans got changed at the last minute and I now have the time to see him tonight instead. It is not until I text him to tell him this that he bothers to tell me (and I do mean bother as I was nearly livid afterward) that 1. Tonight he has to work till 7 or 8pm, 2. He may have work tomorrow as well and 3. If he doesn’t have work tomorrow he has to help a friend move an hour and a half up North of San Diego which is basically LA. My rage which has been at a healthy simmer since 3pm today just now momentarily spiked to a full boil as I recounted what happened. I wanted so badly to be petty and passive aggressive. I am so proud of myself for not. I wanted to say, “and when were you going to tell me this?” or “ooh thanks for the advance notice,” or what I really and truly did start typing on my phone, “you know what, never mind then.” And for the briefest second I had already started making excuses for him when he told me that information. Ooh they’ve been underway, he can’t text (bitch, there’s email!), he probably just found out (mmhmm, no one asks someone to help them move at the last minute), they have that inspection coming up, everyone has to work extra hours (I bet his shipmates told their girlfriends and wives). What pissed me off was that it wasn’t until I had told him about my change of plans that he bothered to tell me his. What if I hadn’t texted him? What if I had decided to surprise and had driven down to his place tonight after I had gotten off work? He wouldn’t be home. What if I hadn’t had a change in my plans and assumed we were still fine with Saturday afternoon and he was in the middle of driving on the 5 or 15 helping his friend move and would be gone all day?

Now, the only reason why I’m not making a bigger deal out of this and reverting back to my petty, passive aggressive ways is that I know my boyfriend is not doing this intentionally or maliciously. He is truly oblivious to many social graces, subtleties and taboos. He doesn’t know how much his tendency for last minute planning and confirmations on maybe utterly enrages me.

This is undoubtedly one of my biggest insecurities, if not the biggest, I hate not being thought of. I’m sure this goes back to my dad and him essentially abandoning me and my mom, but I get severely offended and hurt when someone, especially someone that I go so out of my way for, can’t even bother to extend me a fraction of the same courtesy.

I had told my boyfriend to come to my place tonight after he’s off work, but considering it’s nearly 8:30pm and he hasn’t given me any update on if he’s still working or not, I am going to assume that I won’t be seeing him tonight and consequently tomorrow. I’ve decided I will at least be stubborn and not drive down to see him this weekend. I am going to talk to him about all this and he will have to put in the effort to see me for once.