I heitate to even say this blog is “bad”. What happened is so fresh that I haven’t even fully realized how I feel about it.
A few hours ago my boyfriend and I were downstairs in his kitchen going over his to-do list of things for his day off tomorrow. I reminded him that we still need to book our flights to go visit his parents in Missouri and to see my friends and family in San Francisco. What he said led me to breakout in a full body sweat.
“About that…that’s going to gander a talk…” in this long, drawn out, hesitant manner. He had assumed that I was taking these trips far more seriously than he was. He assumed that I thought, “Oh a trip back to each of our hometowns, this is a big deal”. He assumed that I would want a more serious committment after this trip and/or especially after he got back from deployment. He assumed that I wanted us to be on the track for marriage.
Why yes, I did indeed laugh, nay cackle in his face. I corrected his many assumptions. I’ve only ever lived in the Bay Area so naturally that’s where most of my boyfriend’s parents and families live also. I have simply never had to bring someone back home with me to meet my friends and family. No big deal. I’ve already met both his parents and from the little he’s told me about his younger sister, I don’t particularly want to meet her. I most certainly DO NOT want to waste four vacation days in the middle of nowhere, straight up opposite end of the civilization spectrum, in Missouri. Eww. Gross. No. Sorry if anyone reading this is from the Midwest or South, but…ya girl’s a city girl through and through forever and always. Yes, I am excited to bring him to San Francisco. And by that I mean the actual city of San Francisco. I’m glad he’ll get to meet my friends, but I think except for a dinner and maybe a happy hour, it’ll just be me showing him around my beloved hometown. What freaked him out was this homework assignment I had for my Sex, Marriage and Family psychology class. I had to price out my dream wedding. My dream wedding cost about $80 grand. I jokingly (or so I thought!) told him that ours wouldn’t cost nearly that much.
He told me that he very much enjoyed the way our relationship was and didn’t want me to have these far out ideas of it changing. Silly, silly boy. I’m from San Francisco, the land of people being together for yeeeears before getting married! Ooh!! He also, while on his assumption bender, told me that if he ever did marry again, he would only do it after he got out of the Navy. Which is in eight years. Which is fine. Yes, I do occasionally think about his and my’s far off future and yes I can see marriage but it’s not anything I’m pushing for. We’ve only been together a year!
He kept saying over and over again how he didn’t want me to be waiting around for him, expecting essentially a proposal when he got back and being disappointed. He also once again brought up the fact that he would understand if I met someone else while he was gone and I couldn’t wait for him to come back. That’s really what pissed me off. His assumptions I could handle and correct and see how he would assume those things. But this…one not only his assumption that I would cheat on him while he was gone, but really, and I just realized this: that he so easily and almost disinterestedly is willing to walk away from our relationship. He wouldn’t even argue or put up a fight, he would just accept it as if our relationship was such a trivial thing. That’s what hurts. Feeling as if I and our time together can be wiped away like steam on a bathroom mirror.
I have to tell him this. God, I love blogging!