Greetings all! I know I’ve essentially disappeared since my boyfriend’s deployment homecoming, but I’m back! Sort of. A lot has happened mentally and emotionally in the month and a half that my boyfriend has been back. Like I mentioned in my last post, my boyfriend and I got in a blow up fight as soon as he had come back. Even though he’s been back for weeks now, I still don’t think I’m fully used to him being here. The last month and a half my mood changes have been fairly drastic. I’m not going to call myself “bipolar” because as I’m becoming more and more aware, that is a truly taxing and often times extreme disorder that shouldn’t be thrown around lightly.
Less than a week after my boyfriend got back, I had a full-fledged panic attack. I’ve had minor panic attacks in the past, but years ago when I was 20-21. I was driving in exceptionally bad rush hour after work, on my way to Pilates when I noticed I was breathing faster and more shallow than usual. I told myself to slow my breathing, to control it. Trying to calm my breathing quickly devolved into me with tears literally streaming down my face as I inched my way towards the next exit ramp, almost literally blindly making random turns on random streets in La Jolla’s office district till I could find somewhere to pull over and sob. The entire time I’m sobbing and shaking, I’m telling myself that I’m losing control and I’m going to lose everything if I can’t stop it and that everyone is going to see right through me and I won’t have anything anymore. It was bad. I ended up calling one of my best friends, Farzie who also happens to be a clinical psychologist to calm me down. I felt marginally better after speaking to her, but emotionally drained.
Christmas and New Years were mostly uneventful. I had work in the restaurant for both holidays and their respective Eves. My car battery died on New Years Eve because I forgot to turn off one of the dome lights when I was doing my lipstick before starting work. Luckily one of the line cooks had jumper cables and one of the busboys knew how to jump-start a car otherwise I would’ve been stuck waiting 50 minutes for Geico to come help me.
The first week of January my boyfriend and I went to New Orleans for four days, that was really fun. Neither of us had been there before and we had no real plan of what we wanted to do or see so it was a cobbled together adventure for the whole trip. Sidenote, if you’re thinking of visiting New Orleans, wear comfy shoes and spend at least one day dedicated to the various museums and other historical sites, it’s rich in fascinating stories. And their liberal booze toting policy is nice too.
Shortly after getting back from New Orleans I had another, smaller panic attack. It was triggered by looking at new beds online. My current mattress and box spring is about a decade old. My bed frame is only a year old, but that’s because I had to get rid of my original frame after moving to San Diego. So, I want a new bed. My boyfriend also wants a new bed. We live separately and have no had talks or inclination to move-in together anytime soon. I did bring this up to him and what caused my panic is that it seems redundant for us to both get new beds “now” (now being anytime this year) if in another year or two we decide to live together. His response: We can just sell the second bed.” Mine: Then one person will be screwed without a bed if we break up.” But my thoughts don’t stop there! I absolutely will not move-in with him where he currently lives. Yes, he owns his townhouse and it’s very well kept, but it is very much his house and I wouldn’t feel comfortable trying to make it mine, or ours. Its location is also terribly inconvenient in relation to where I work for both my nanny family and the restaurant. The spiral continues! Since we clearly won’t be moving in together within the next three-ish years (that’s how long his orders for his new ship keep him in San Diego) my next “logical” step is to think that if we did live together, it would be in Hawaii where he plans to get himself stationed next. After that my brain got tired of trying to keep up with me and told my lungs to make me hyperventilate and choke myself out.
Through all this my boyfriend was calm, comforting and rational. I say that a lot about him and am probably painting this inaccurate portrait of him being a saint or at least catatonic compared to me. But really, given how high-strung I am, I soo SOO need to be with someone my opposite.
I know that I have a tendency to think way too far ahead into the future, that I constantly entertain thoughts of “what ifs” like they’re absolutely certainties. I know this. I wish I could stop myself. I’m considering seeing someone to get my mental health diagnosed. I’ve been slowly and quietly retreating into myself the last week or so. My boyfriend noticed the distance I was intentionally creating and tries to be reassuring, but self-care is about me and he can’t help.
I’m not unhappy and I don’t want to break-up. But knowing what I’m not and what I don’t want don’t help me know what I am and what I actually want.