:blows dust away:

Well greetings! I live! I know I’ve been the absolute worst at even half assedly maintaining this blog. My boyfriend got back from deployment and since him being away was the main inspiration behind this, I didn’t really have much of a reason to update.

So, life. I finished my much loathed prerequisite philosophy class (a month early, by the wizzle, yay for online classes!) and started my degree completion program in mid-May! I’m a month away from the end of my first quarter and so far, not so scary. The amount of work and reading the first few weeks was intense and overwhelming, but I’ve settled into a routine of sorts and feel good about finally taking the last few steps to getting my stupid Bachelor’s degree.

My boyfriend and I were in Miami, Key West and Missouri last month, visiting my friends and his family, respectively. It feels so weird to type that, that we were just on vacation together a month ago. Miami is ratchet, definitely something I would’ve enjoyed much more in my young and dumb 20s. Key West is cute, my boyfriend summed it up quite accurately, “It’s like a redneck Hawaii.” Missouri was mildly acceptable. We stayed with his sister and luckily her house is in a recently built housing development and has air conditioning which was probably the second best part of being in Missouri. The first was getting to spend the day out on the lake and go tubing for the first time!

Now, to the real reason as to why I’ve resurrected, or at least put on life support this poor, dying diary; my boyfriend deployed again. It’s been a few days and already this deployment is feeling worse than the first one.

  1. I stayed for Manning the Rails. STUUUUUUUPID idea. One of the worst ideas I’ve ever had.  I didn’t go last year so I thought I’d be a good, dutiful Navy girlfriend and go this time. Awful. First, we rushed to get back to base because my boyfriend was told that he needed to be back on the ship at a certain time, DESPITE THE FACT that the ship wouldn’t be leaving port for a solid three hours. So, time that we could have spent together was instead wasted standing around on the pier, waiting/hoping for my boyfriend to change into his Cracker Jack uniform and come back down be with me a little longer. Spoiler alert – he did not. Which means I got to spend the follow two hours on a pier with tearfully embracing spouses and children. And every time someone started sniffling or bawling I would too. I spent the walk back to my car sobbing. I couldn’t even attempt to contain the sounds escaping me, this consuming feeling of, “FUCK I HATE THIS, WHHHYYYY?!?”
  2. I’m hardcore salty about the fact that as “just a girlfriend” my relationship to my boyfriend is not even bothered to be acknowledged. Every single other woman on his ship’s Family Readiness Group, facebook page is a wife. With kids. There’s the occasional parent of a young sailor, the even rarer husband, but otherwise all young (and I mean YOUNG, 24 WOULD BE CONSIDERED OLD) stay at home moms. I can’t even be my boyfriend’s emergency contact because I’m not his wife or a blood relative. It’s his parents. In rural ass Missouri. Hours away from being able to get to a large, international airport in order to get to their son, should he become drastically hurt or injured. I have to hope that his dad can program my number into his FLIP PHONE and remember to call me in case of the unfortunate. I am so heavily marinated in my feelings right now. As I told my boyfriend, “WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED FOR NOT RUINING OUR LIVES FOR RUSHING INTO A MARRIAGE THAT WILL ULTIMATELY END IN DIVORCE?!”

I’ve lost track of what I even came back on here for. I started watching a stand up comedy special on Netflix, W. Kamau Bell and he’s pretty hilarious. It helps that he’s making jokes about life in Berkeley and I’m all too familiar with the hilarity of Berkeley.

I shall return.

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Happy New Year!

Greetings all! I know I’ve essentially disappeared since my boyfriend’s deployment homecoming, but I’m back! Sort of. A lot has happened mentally and emotionally in the month and a half that my boyfriend has been back. Like I mentioned in my last post, my boyfriend and I got in a blow up fight as soon as he had come back. Even though he’s been back for weeks now, I still don’t think I’m fully used to him being here. The last month and a half my mood changes have been fairly drastic. I’m not going to call myself “bipolar” because as I’m becoming more and more aware, that is a truly taxing and often times extreme disorder that shouldn’t be thrown around lightly.

Less than a week after my boyfriend got back, I had a full-fledged panic attack. I’ve had minor panic attacks in the past, but years ago when I was 20-21. I was driving in exceptionally bad rush hour after work, on my way to Pilates when I noticed I was breathing faster and more shallow than usual. I told myself to slow my breathing, to control it. Trying to calm my breathing quickly devolved into me with tears literally streaming down my face as I inched my way towards the next exit ramp, almost literally blindly making random turns on random streets in La Jolla’s office district till I could find somewhere to pull over and sob. The entire time I’m sobbing and shaking, I’m telling myself that I’m losing control and I’m going to lose everything if I can’t stop it and that everyone is going to see right through me and I won’t have anything anymore. It was bad. I ended up calling one of my best friends, Farzie who also happens to be a clinical psychologist to calm me down. I felt marginally better after speaking to her, but emotionally drained.

Christmas and New Years were mostly uneventful. I had work in the restaurant for both holidays and their respective Eves. My car battery died on New Years Eve because I forgot to turn off one of the dome lights when I was doing my lipstick before starting work. Luckily one of the line cooks had jumper cables and one of the busboys knew how to jump-start a car otherwise I would’ve been stuck waiting 50 minutes for Geico to come help me.

The first week of January my boyfriend and I went to New Orleans for four days, that was really fun. Neither of us had been there before and we had no real plan of what we wanted to do or see so it was a cobbled together adventure for the whole trip. Sidenote, if you’re thinking of visiting New Orleans, wear comfy shoes and spend at least one day dedicated to the various museums and other historical sites, it’s rich in fascinating stories. And their liberal booze toting policy is nice too.

Shortly after getting back from New Orleans I had another, smaller panic attack. It was triggered by looking at new beds online. My current mattress and box spring is about a decade old. My bed frame is only a year old, but that’s because I had to get rid of my original frame after moving to San Diego. So, I want a new bed. My boyfriend also wants a new bed. We live separately and have no had talks or inclination to move-in together anytime soon. I did bring this up to him and what caused my panic is that it seems redundant for us to both get new beds “now” (now being anytime this year) if in another year or two we decide to live together. His response: We can just sell the second bed.” Mine: Then one person will be screwed without a bed if we break up.” But my thoughts don’t stop there! I absolutely will not move-in with him where he currently lives. Yes, he owns his townhouse and it’s very well kept, but it is very much his house and I wouldn’t feel comfortable trying to make it mine, or ours. Its location is also terribly inconvenient in relation to where I work for both my nanny family and the restaurant. The spiral continues! Since we clearly won’t be moving in together within the next three-ish years (that’s how long his orders for his new ship keep him in San Diego) my next “logical” step is to think that if we did live together, it would be in Hawaii where he plans to get himself stationed next. After that my brain got tired of trying to keep up with me and told my lungs to make me hyperventilate and choke myself out.

Through all this my boyfriend was calm, comforting and rational. I say that a lot about him and am probably painting this inaccurate portrait of him being a saint or at least catatonic compared to me. But really, given how high-strung I am, I soo SOO need to be with someone my opposite.

I know that I have a tendency to think way too far ahead into the future, that I constantly entertain thoughts of “what ifs” like they’re absolutely certainties. I know this. I wish I could stop myself. I’m considering seeing someone to get my mental health diagnosed. I’ve been slowly and quietly retreating into myself the last week or so. My boyfriend noticed the distance I was intentionally creating and tries to be reassuring, but self-care is about me and he can’t help.

I’m not unhappy and I don’t want to break-up. But knowing what I’m not and what I don’t want don’t help me know what I am and what I actually want.

Ill Prepared for Reintegration

Homecoming went well! I was super early getting on base and basically stood around (literally, I didn’t sit down once, mostly due to adrenaline) for three hours total waiting for the ship to pull in and for my boyfriend to get off the ship. We had a quiet day, went out to lunch to our favorite Japanese BBQ place together, boba at our favorite boba shop and hung out at home for the rest of the day. I surprised him with the housecleaning which he thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated. It still feels a little surreal that he’s home.

But now, almost exactly 60 hours after his return, I completely snap at him. I have no other words for it. And I’ve done it before, but this time was especially bad. My boyfriend is my opposite, I’m quick to anger, slow to forgive and am too dictated by my emotions. He’s far more rational and reasonable and methodical, really thinks things through.

We were on the phone (I was driving home from work at the restaurant and using the Bluetooth from my car and he was home, tinkering on his computer) and I had asked him two separate questions, not related to each other and he didn’t hear either one. He likes to think he can “multi-task” i.e., hold a conversation (in person or on the phone) and do something else (usually computer or phone related) at the same. HE CANNOT! He is the absolute worst at trying to juggle more than one thing! He knows he sucks at “multi-tasking”, but it doesn’t stop him from continuing to do so. Tonight, for whatever reason this particularly pissed me off and I went off on him. In the car I was shouting at my dashboard, “Ooohhhkaay. Listen. Listen. LISTEN. ARE YOU LISTENING?? Stop whatever you’re doing. Stop. Stooop. Did you stop? Okay, listen, I’m not repeating myself again.” Just being a total condescending bitch. But, he listened and answered the questions I had for him. He laughed it off like he does most time when I flip out, which I appreciate, knowing that he doesn’t take my tantrums, basically, too personally.

But, the worst was when I was almost home. I was turning down the hill to my street and getting off the phone with him. I tell him I’m almost home and that I’ll see him tomorrow (I had asked him to sleepover tomorrow since we both have Thursday off, and he had initially agreed). Suddenly, he’s confused. he thought we were only doing something on Thursday, or Wednesday, not both. Then he’s uncertain what his work load would be like and how he still had things to finish doing and putting away/together at home and he wasn’t sure he could do both days anymore. All the while that he’s telling me, I can hear the keys of his new mechanical keyboard clacking away and he’s speaking with long…pauses…in…be…tween…be…cause…he…is…still…trying…to…mul…ti…task. And I fully snapped, just went ballistic on him. Cursed him out, called him rude and inconsiderate, told him that I hated him (when he tries to “multi-task) and just used all the different forms of “fuck”. A LOT. He tries to explain himself, but I of course, in the middle of my tirade won’t let him speak and talk all over him. Finally, I tire myself out yelling and basically hang up on him.

This was about 45 minutes ago at 9pm and I have felt like a complete and utter douchebag since the second I walked in the door of my house. Now, aside from being a douchebag, or maybe more in line with being a d-bag, I also have a ton of pride and am now telling myself that I won’t cave and apologize and let him know that I know that I was wrong for acting that way. I thought I was “ready” for him to come home from deployment and it looks like I thought wrong. I have a previous post where I talked about how I feel like I forgot how to be a girlfriend and that, unfortunately enough looks like I was right.

All I can think about is that scene in The Other Boleyn Girl where Anne is losing her shit after she slaps Henry. I can’t find a clip on YouTube or even by Googling so here’s the script excerpt:

ANNE and MARY are together. ANNE is combing her hair. Strands of
      it come loose in her hands. Her eyes are hollow with stress. Her
      skin pale and covered in a film of perspiration..

                          ANNE
             I struck him today. What am I doing? I
             am destroying this all on my own..
        ANNE
             It's slipping away, Mary. I can feel it.

Homecoming Eve

Ahh, the day is almost here! I had such a whirlwind day getting ready for tomorrow and I’m still not done.

  • Woke up
  • Pilates
  • Bank, coffee
  • Nails (my rare moment to chill)
  • Vacuum and wash my car
  • Lunch
  • Shower
  • I had time at home for a few hours between lunch and having to go to work. I used it to watch YouTube and take a nap sitting up.
  • Work (busy night! First night over 150 covers in a while)
  • Home.

Next I have to wash my face and do my brightening Glam Glow face mask, in the orange tub. Then all that’s left for the night is straightening my hair and packing my overnight bag for tomorrow. I’m trying not to make a huge deal out of tomorrow because my boyfriend isn’t making a huge deal out of it, but I think it is. It’ll be an early day, which is fine since I don’t think I’m going to sleep much anyway.

Tomorrow:

  • 6am – Wake up and makeup! (I am breaking the cardinal rule of lash extensions [got them done last Thursday!], and putting on liquid eyeliner).
  • 7am – Leave to get on base. I forgot that the Navy doesn’t deploy single ships, that they deploy in fleets so HELLO, my boyfriend’s ship is not going to be the only one pulling in to port tomorrow. This is fine, I’m from San Francisco, the land of staking out parking spaces.
  • 8-11am – Wait for him to get off the ship! Take dozens of obnoxious couples’ selfies! Wait in the most epic post-concert-traffic line to get off base!
  • Noon-bedtime – SPEND THE REST OF THE ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKING DAY WITH MY BOYFRIEND, YAAAAASSSS!!

All right, enough stalling. Time to get started on the last of my to-do list. Ooh, and I need to do a load of laundry…which honestly will probably get put off till Monday since my boyfriend has duty that day anyway and won’t be home.

Random Trigger

The last few years the term trigger has become more common knowledge. It basically means anything that reminds you of a past trauma. I had a trigger this evening on my commute home from work. I was in traffic and a dark blue, late model Toyota Tacoma drove by me. It was an older model, probably from the 90s because it wasn’t the super, behemoth of a pickup truck like the newer model Tacomas.

Seeing that truck reminded me of my former co-worker Marcus, from when I practiced massage therapy and worked for Massage Envy. Thinking of Marcus made me think of my ex-boyfriend, “the ex” and also former co-worker, Sean. I met Sean when I was 19 and we were together just under 2 years, but at the time and sometimes even now, I thought him to be The One. Sean and I broke up briefly, for a few months during our relationship and in that trial separation, I slept with Marcus. I started to think about what my life would be like now, if I had never had sex with Marcus, if I was still together with Sean. This past May, would have been mine and Sean’s ten year anniversary, which blew my mind, an entire decade, a third of my life!

My life would be incredibly different if Sean and I were still together. I would have never taken the risk of living on my own in downtown San Francisco when I was 23, instead I would have compromised with Sean and picked a place on the Peninsula (eww, like San Mateo) between The City and Sunnyvale/San Jose where Sean grew up and currently lives, respectively. I would have finished school years ago! Right when I was building momentum and about two semesters away from having my Associate’s degree and transferring schools, Sean and I broke up, permanently. After that I plunged into a deep depressive episode and dropped out of school for a year and a half. I’d probably be engaged by now, and definitely living together. I would probably have become a preschool teacher much sooner also since I would have finished school faster. I would probably be less traveled than I am now because Sean was a big homebody, though partly due to the fact that when he was younger his dad LOVED to travel so his family jet-set quite a bit. Sean might a chiropractor. We had this agreement that I would finish school first then support him while he goes to chiropractic college. The biggest difference is that I would absolutely NOT be in San Diego right now. Even if I had still gone on the same girls trip that inspired me to move down here, with Sean and I both being Bay Area natives, and him being an only child of divorced parents, I would never have been able to convince him to leave.

All of that, because of a pick up truck. Trigger sounds like such an innocuous word, but it can lead to an unpredictable spiral.

Shizz is Gettin Really Real

Ooh my god I just got the “homecoming details” email from my boyfriend’s ship Family Readiness Group leader! Well, I guess her technical title is ombudsman, but I still don’t quite know what that means, plus it’s a hilarious word to pronounce so…FRG leader. I was halfway through reading it and burst into tears. I’ve been sitting here, on my bed, half of my laptop screen playing a Jaclyn Hill YouTube video and the other my gmail account, shaking with silent tears of joy and relief.

The day is getting so much closer and I’m starting to get excited. I have a housecleaning appointment set up with a cleaning lady referred to me by my friend Abby, to come by on Saturday and clean my boyfriend’s house. I’m getting my Brazilian wax on Thursday, manicure on Saturday morning and also need to wash and vacuum my car on Friday and/or Saturday. I already have my dress picked out for homecoming, still debating on the shoes. All this primping I know don’t really matter and my boyfriend won’t really notice or care, but this is the first time in seven months we’ll have seen each other (not counting facebook) so I want to make sure and look bangin’! Teehee, pun completely intended.

I’m almost certain I broke a rule and have previously mentioned his “exact” homecoming date, which…oops, I should not have done so I’ll just say a few more days to go! I’ll make sure to upload a picture from actual homecoming when it does happen.

Holy Lack of Updates!

So, it’s been over a month since my last update. Wow, that’s bad. Let me see if I can recap.

Mid-October: One of my best friends since we were in middle school, Shirley, got married and I was one of her bridesmaids. It was a beautiful wedding and I am already planning my trip to visit her and her new husband in their new home in Miami.

Halloween: The weekend before I went to a hookah lounge in the Gaslamp with some friends and people in costumes, watched. It was a hilarious and mellow night. Slightly related, I think I’m getting better at putting in my clip on extensions! I only wear them about once a year, but still they were looking at lot more blended than I usually have them.

Beginning of November: Nothing of note, trying not to get too excited about my boyfriend’s impending homecoming.

Mid-November: I went back home to San Francisco for a few days for an early Thanksgiving since no one at the restaurant was allowed Thanksgiving Day, off. I got to sleepover at my friends’ Remy and Alejandro’s new apartment, although new is relative, they moved in at the beginning of this year. Spent some good quality time with my family and ate way too decadently as I always do when I’m home.

Thanksgiving-now: I worked my first ever major holiday as part of the restaurant/service industry! It wasn’t as awful as I thought it was going to be. Maybe because it was a holiday about being thankful, but all our guests were in really good moods and sweet and not pushy about their tables. For once.

The countdown is officially-super-hella-mega-ON! My boyfriend is supposed to be back in 13, yaaas THIRTEEN MORE DAYS! I am still trying not to get too excited because that’s still 312 hours for their arrival to get pushed back or changed, BUT…eeeee!! I joined his ship’s FRG (family readiness group) to stay up to date with their homecoming and any events and preparation that goes along with it. One of the wives is hosting a sign making party this Saturday and I actually can make it! It’ll be my first, well technically third ever military type event(the other two were BBQs so I guess they don’t really count), but first without my boyfriend so I’m excited to meet some of the other MilSos and make an appropriately sarcastic, deprecating and not remotely cute and romantic sign for my boyfriend to spot upon his arrival, EEEE!! Which reminds me, I need to remind my boyfriend to get us tickets for his command’s holiday party, unlike last year (insert side eye emoji). That story I will save for another time.

I’m typing this up on my brand new laptop! An early Christmas present from my mama, cuz she da best. It’s nothing fancy, just an HP that was on Cyber Monday sale at Best Buy. My old Dell laptop died earlier this year after a faithful…like 6-7 years of service, so it was definitely time for a new one. It feels weird typing on a real laptop again, my left ring finger kinda hurts actually, from stretching out to reach the keys. And my nails are really long again and that’s making typing super awkward too.

This update is a complete jumble and I’m sorry! Hopefully I can figure out all the rest of the new coolness of my computer and update again, much sooner.

OOH! If anyone has any tips and or tricks or advice on how to prepare, what to expect for homecoming and the days leading up to and even after it, I’d greatly appreciate it! I hope the slow creep of Winter hasn’t hit you too hard wherever you are.

The Countdown Is (kinda) On!

46 more days till my boyfriend is back fron deployment! Possibly. I am absolutely NOT getting excited about him coming “home” (San Diego is not home for either of us, just where we both live) until maybe a week before. After he tells me they leave Hawaii on the tiger cruise is when I’ll really believe it. And even then, I’ll be skeptical AF until I’m on base, scanning for his face amongst all his shipmates.

For anyone else who has or is currently doing long distance and/or a deployment, did you ever catch yourself picking a fight with your significant other? Normally, he and I don’t fight, but lately the smallest things set me off on the rare occasional we get to talk.

This morning while I was throwing things together in my bag for work I noticed he was active on facebook messenger. A few hours later while my nanny baby and I were waiting for her toddler dance class to start I see that he’s still on Messenger. I send him a GIF telling him he sucks. He tells me that the ship’s computer doesn’t load the GIFs. Our conversation quickly devolves into me accusing him of not wanting to talk to me even though he’s been on for hours at that point. He apologizes and says when he’s on again tomorrow we can talk. 

They’re out at sea for the next two weeks so there’s zero chance of a phone call and once again, the theme of this deployment (and probably all of them) shitty Internet connectivity!! The last month has been the most difficult for me so far of his whole deployment. I’ve had a lot of time to think about next year and his next deployment and if I really want to do this all over again. I don’t, honestly. I also have no desire (or time, patience, or fake laughs) to try and start a new relationship. I also know that after his deployment next year, he won’t deploy again…at least to my limited civilian knowledge, for the rest of his career.

Deployment sucks.

Pilates

I was scrolling through Facebook at the start of last month and saw an offer for 20% off membership packages at the newest Club Pilates studio that was opening up down the street from my house. My boyfriend had bought me a 3 month membership to The Dailey Method, but alas until they move in to their permanent new studio, that membership will continue to lay dormant in my email inbox. 

Barre, yoga and Pilates classes are not cheap. I could join a regular gym, like EOS Fitness for real cheap, $15.99/month at some locations, but I LOOOOATHE the gym. I don’t know how to workout, I need someone dictating to me what to do. So, I decided to call Club Pilates and get the full details on their membership packages and specials. I’m paying $159/month for my first three months for unlimited classes and after that I have to pay regular member prices. On Friday I’ll have finished my first month. My first three weeks I was going every single day. The past week I’ve stopped my 6am classes and instead double up on the weekends and days that I’m off with my nanny family. 

I don’t see any outward changes, yet. My biceps and triceps definitely feel stronger, as do my ankles and thighs. And I’m pretty sure my butt is getting firmer too. My flexibility has also improved, A LOT, and my feet and calves are hardly ever tired anymore after a hostess shift at the restaurant. Yes, I am working out to look good for my boyfriend and surprise him when he gets back from deployment, but also for myself, I’m just tired of disliking how I look and am ready to change it.

Incorporating Pilates into my life has been easy, changing my diet though…well I’ll just say that once I get a handle on that I’ll probably have a completely new body. Full disclosure: I had delivery from Lazy Dog for dinner tonight; kids meal Fettucini Alfredo and bacon candy (brown sugar and red pepper flake coated bacon).

The bacon was delicious, the pasta was a waste of calories. Anyone else ever feel like that after a disappointing meal?

The Sads

I’ve been a bad blogger lately, I know. Things have been mostly uneventful in my life lately. My mom was here over Labor Day weekend to celebrate my 30th birthday with me. I drove up to LA two weekends ago to meet up with two of my best friends Remy and Alejandro for a whirlwind six hours of Korean BBQ, craft cocktails and dessert. 

I’ve just been down the last few weeks. I “have” and I put have in quotations since I’ve never formally been diagnosed, functional depression. Not all depression is endless bouts of weeping and thoughts of suicide. Mine is invisible, I go to work and do responsible things like pay bills and obey traffic laws, but then I have days where the thought of getting out of bed to take a shower is daunting. I have a general lack of enthusiasm for everyday life. Special occasions like my friend Shirley’s wedding in two weeks, I’m excited for, I experience and enjoy anticipation and happiness. 

Part of what’s triggered my ennui lately is my boyfriend’s deployment homecoming was pushed back four days. It may not sound like a huge deal, but it means he misses getting to celebrate his birthday off the ship by two days. There’s also the added pressure now to pick which schools I’m going to apply to for Fall 2018. Being Type A, I of course researched every CSU (California State University) campus, then cross checked that to see 1. Which campuses offer my major and 2. Which campuses that do offer my major, are not impacted. Impacted basically means there are more people applying than the school actually has room for. Impacted = ultra competitive. 

I have my preferred list of schools narrowed down to three; San Marcos, Dominguez Hills and LA. I have a back-up/secret first choice school though, Point Loma Nazarene University. It’s a private school here in San Diego that offers an accelerated degree program. I need to meet with a counselor and have my transcripts evaluated to see if I have enough units to qualify. I’m trying SOO HARD to not get my hopes up about that school, but PLNU would be soo ideal. I wouldn’t have to leave the comfortable life I’ve made for myself in San Diego and their program only takes 15 months. 

Only, semi-major caveat: October 1st-31st is open application for CSUs. For each campus I have in mind, I have to pay a $55 application fee. Soo I need to move my ass and see a PLNU counselor and save myself $165. I did the math tuition wise and PLNU’s 15 month program would cost about the same as 2-3 year traditional Bachelor’s degree at a CSU. 

I want it you guys, I want to get in to that accelerated program more than I’ve wanted anything in quite some time. Yes, having my degree in a little over a year is the primary appeal, but I went to an open house that PLNU hosted earlier this week and the whole school and program sounded amazing, as well as the professors and current students I got to speak with. 

I think I’ll be back tomorrow. I’ve recently started going to Pilates and want to share how that’s been going. Goodnight for now!