Homecoming Eve

Ahh, the day is almost here! I had such a whirlwind day getting ready for tomorrow and I’m still not done.

  • Woke up
  • Pilates
  • Bank, coffee
  • Nails (my rare moment to chill)
  • Vacuum and wash my car
  • Lunch
  • Shower
  • I had time at home for a few hours between lunch and having to go to work. I used it to watch YouTube and take a nap sitting up.
  • Work (busy night! First night over 150 covers in a while)
  • Home.

Next I have to wash my face and do my brightening Glam Glow face mask, in the orange tub. Then all that’s left for the night is straightening my hair and packing my overnight bag for tomorrow. I’m trying not to make a huge deal out of tomorrow because my boyfriend isn’t making a huge deal out of it, but I think it is. It’ll be an early day, which is fine since I don’t think I’m going to sleep much anyway.

Tomorrow:

  • 6am – Wake up and makeup! (I am breaking the cardinal rule of lash extensions [got them done last Thursday!], and putting on liquid eyeliner).
  • 7am – Leave to get on base. I forgot that the Navy doesn’t deploy single ships, that they deploy in fleets so HELLO, my boyfriend’s ship is not going to be the only one pulling in to port tomorrow. This is fine, I’m from San Francisco, the land of staking out parking spaces.
  • 8-11am – Wait for him to get off the ship! Take dozens of obnoxious couples’ selfies! Wait in the most epic post-concert-traffic line to get off base!
  • Noon-bedtime – SPEND THE REST OF THE ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKING DAY WITH MY BOYFRIEND, YAAAAASSSS!!

All right, enough stalling. Time to get started on the last of my to-do list. Ooh, and I need to do a load of laundry…which honestly will probably get put off till Monday since my boyfriend has duty that day anyway and won’t be home.

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Random Trigger

The last few years the term trigger has become more common knowledge. It basically means anything that reminds you of a past trauma. I had a trigger this evening on my commute home from work. I was in traffic and a dark blue, late model Toyota Tacoma drove by me. It was an older model, probably from the 90s because it wasn’t the super, behemoth of a pickup truck like the newer model Tacomas.

Seeing that truck reminded me of my former co-worker Marcus, from when I practiced massage therapy and worked for Massage Envy. Thinking of Marcus made me think of my ex-boyfriend, “the ex” and also former co-worker, Sean. I met Sean when I was 19 and we were together just under 2 years, but at the time and sometimes even now, I thought him to be The One. Sean and I broke up briefly, for a few months during our relationship and in that trial separation, I slept with Marcus. I started to think about what my life would be like now, if I had never had sex with Marcus, if I was still together with Sean. This past May, would have been mine and Sean’s ten year anniversary, which blew my mind, an entire decade, a third of my life!

My life would be incredibly different if Sean and I were still together. I would have never taken the risk of living on my own in downtown San Francisco when I was 23, instead I would have compromised with Sean and picked a place on the Peninsula (eww, like San Mateo) between The City and Sunnyvale/San Jose where Sean grew up and currently lives, respectively. I would have finished school years ago! Right when I was building momentum and about two semesters away from having my Associate’s degree and transferring schools, Sean and I broke up, permanently. After that I plunged into a deep depressive episode and dropped out of school for a year and a half. I’d probably be engaged by now, and definitely living together. I would probably have become a preschool teacher much sooner also since I would have finished school faster. I would probably be less traveled than I am now because Sean was a big homebody, though partly due to the fact that when he was younger his dad LOVED to travel so his family jet-set quite a bit. Sean might a chiropractor. We had this agreement that I would finish school first then support him while he goes to chiropractic college. The biggest difference is that I would absolutely NOT be in San Diego right now. Even if I had still gone on the same girls trip that inspired me to move down here, with Sean and I both being Bay Area natives, and him being an only child of divorced parents, I would never have been able to convince him to leave.

All of that, because of a pick up truck. Trigger sounds like such an innocuous word, but it can lead to an unpredictable spiral.

Shizz is Gettin Really Real

Ooh my god I just got the “homecoming details” email from my boyfriend’s ship Family Readiness Group leader! Well, I guess her technical title is ombudsman, but I still don’t quite know what that means, plus it’s a hilarious word to pronounce so…FRG leader. I was halfway through reading it and burst into tears. I’ve been sitting here, on my bed, half of my laptop screen playing a Jaclyn Hill YouTube video and the other my gmail account, shaking with silent tears of joy and relief.

The day is getting so much closer and I’m starting to get excited. I have a housecleaning appointment set up with a cleaning lady referred to me by my friend Abby, to come by on Saturday and clean my boyfriend’s house. I’m getting my Brazilian wax on Thursday, manicure on Saturday morning and also need to wash and vacuum my car on Friday and/or Saturday. I already have my dress picked out for homecoming, still debating on the shoes. All this primping I know don’t really matter and my boyfriend won’t really notice or care, but this is the first time in seven months we’ll have seen each other (not counting facebook) so I want to make sure and look bangin’! Teehee, pun completely intended.

I’m almost certain I broke a rule and have previously mentioned his “exact” homecoming date, which…oops, I should not have done so I’ll just say a few more days to go! I’ll make sure to upload a picture from actual homecoming when it does happen.

Holy Lack of Updates!

So, it’s been over a month since my last update. Wow, that’s bad. Let me see if I can recap.

Mid-October: One of my best friends since we were in middle school, Shirley, got married and I was one of her bridesmaids. It was a beautiful wedding and I am already planning my trip to visit her and her new husband in their new home in Miami.

Halloween: The weekend before I went to a hookah lounge in the Gaslamp with some friends and people in costumes, watched. It was a hilarious and mellow night. Slightly related, I think I’m getting better at putting in my clip on extensions! I only wear them about once a year, but still they were looking at lot more blended than I usually have them.

Beginning of November: Nothing of note, trying not to get too excited about my boyfriend’s impending homecoming.

Mid-November: I went back home to San Francisco for a few days for an early Thanksgiving since no one at the restaurant was allowed Thanksgiving Day, off. I got to sleepover at my friends’ Remy and Alejandro’s new apartment, although new is relative, they moved in at the beginning of this year. Spent some good quality time with my family and ate way too decadently as I always do when I’m home.

Thanksgiving-now: I worked my first ever major holiday as part of the restaurant/service industry! It wasn’t as awful as I thought it was going to be. Maybe because it was a holiday about being thankful, but all our guests were in really good moods and sweet and not pushy about their tables. For once.

The countdown is officially-super-hella-mega-ON! My boyfriend is supposed to be back in 13, yaaas THIRTEEN MORE DAYS! I am still trying not to get too excited because that’s still 312 hours for their arrival to get pushed back or changed, BUT…eeeee!! I joined his ship’s FRG (family readiness group) to stay up to date with their homecoming and any events and preparation that goes along with it. One of the wives is hosting a sign making party this Saturday and I actually can make it! It’ll be my first, well technically third ever military type event(the other two were BBQs so I guess they don’t really count), but first without my boyfriend so I’m excited to meet some of the other MilSos and make an appropriately sarcastic, deprecating and not remotely cute and romantic sign for my boyfriend to spot upon his arrival, EEEE!! Which reminds me, I need to remind my boyfriend to get us tickets for his command’s holiday party, unlike last year (insert side eye emoji). That story I will save for another time.

I’m typing this up on my brand new laptop! An early Christmas present from my mama, cuz she da best. It’s nothing fancy, just an HP that was on Cyber Monday sale at Best Buy. My old Dell laptop died earlier this year after a faithful…like 6-7 years of service, so it was definitely time for a new one. It feels weird typing on a real laptop again, my left ring finger kinda hurts actually, from stretching out to reach the keys. And my nails are really long again and that’s making typing super awkward too.

This update is a complete jumble and I’m sorry! Hopefully I can figure out all the rest of the new coolness of my computer and update again, much sooner.

OOH! If anyone has any tips and or tricks or advice on how to prepare, what to expect for homecoming and the days leading up to and even after it, I’d greatly appreciate it! I hope the slow creep of Winter hasn’t hit you too hard wherever you are.

The Countdown Is (kinda) On!

46 more days till my boyfriend is back fron deployment! Possibly. I am absolutely NOT getting excited about him coming “home” (San Diego is not home for either of us, just where we both live) until maybe a week before. After he tells me they leave Hawaii on the tiger cruise is when I’ll really believe it. And even then, I’ll be skeptical AF until I’m on base, scanning for his face amongst all his shipmates.

For anyone else who has or is currently doing long distance and/or a deployment, did you ever catch yourself picking a fight with your significant other? Normally, he and I don’t fight, but lately the smallest things set me off on the rare occasional we get to talk.

This morning while I was throwing things together in my bag for work I noticed he was active on facebook messenger. A few hours later while my nanny baby and I were waiting for her toddler dance class to start I see that he’s still on Messenger. I send him a GIF telling him he sucks. He tells me that the ship’s computer doesn’t load the GIFs. Our conversation quickly devolves into me accusing him of not wanting to talk to me even though he’s been on for hours at that point. He apologizes and says when he’s on again tomorrow we can talk. 

They’re out at sea for the next two weeks so there’s zero chance of a phone call and once again, the theme of this deployment (and probably all of them) shitty Internet connectivity!! The last month has been the most difficult for me so far of his whole deployment. I’ve had a lot of time to think about next year and his next deployment and if I really want to do this all over again. I don’t, honestly. I also have no desire (or time, patience, or fake laughs) to try and start a new relationship. I also know that after his deployment next year, he won’t deploy again…at least to my limited civilian knowledge, for the rest of his career.

Deployment sucks.

Pilates

I was scrolling through Facebook at the start of last month and saw an offer for 20% off membership packages at the newest Club Pilates studio that was opening up down the street from my house. My boyfriend had bought me a 3 month membership to The Dailey Method, but alas until they move in to their permanent new studio, that membership will continue to lay dormant in my email inbox. 

Barre, yoga and Pilates classes are not cheap. I could join a regular gym, like EOS Fitness for real cheap, $15.99/month at some locations, but I LOOOOATHE the gym. I don’t know how to workout, I need someone dictating to me what to do. So, I decided to call Club Pilates and get the full details on their membership packages and specials. I’m paying $159/month for my first three months for unlimited classes and after that I have to pay regular member prices. On Friday I’ll have finished my first month. My first three weeks I was going every single day. The past week I’ve stopped my 6am classes and instead double up on the weekends and days that I’m off with my nanny family. 

I don’t see any outward changes, yet. My biceps and triceps definitely feel stronger, as do my ankles and thighs. And I’m pretty sure my butt is getting firmer too. My flexibility has also improved, A LOT, and my feet and calves are hardly ever tired anymore after a hostess shift at the restaurant. Yes, I am working out to look good for my boyfriend and surprise him when he gets back from deployment, but also for myself, I’m just tired of disliking how I look and am ready to change it.

Incorporating Pilates into my life has been easy, changing my diet though…well I’ll just say that once I get a handle on that I’ll probably have a completely new body. Full disclosure: I had delivery from Lazy Dog for dinner tonight; kids meal Fettucini Alfredo and bacon candy (brown sugar and red pepper flake coated bacon).

The bacon was delicious, the pasta was a waste of calories. Anyone else ever feel like that after a disappointing meal?

The Sads

I’ve been a bad blogger lately, I know. Things have been mostly uneventful in my life lately. My mom was here over Labor Day weekend to celebrate my 30th birthday with me. I drove up to LA two weekends ago to meet up with two of my best friends Remy and Alejandro for a whirlwind six hours of Korean BBQ, craft cocktails and dessert. 

I’ve just been down the last few weeks. I “have” and I put have in quotations since I’ve never formally been diagnosed, functional depression. Not all depression is endless bouts of weeping and thoughts of suicide. Mine is invisible, I go to work and do responsible things like pay bills and obey traffic laws, but then I have days where the thought of getting out of bed to take a shower is daunting. I have a general lack of enthusiasm for everyday life. Special occasions like my friend Shirley’s wedding in two weeks, I’m excited for, I experience and enjoy anticipation and happiness. 

Part of what’s triggered my ennui lately is my boyfriend’s deployment homecoming was pushed back four days. It may not sound like a huge deal, but it means he misses getting to celebrate his birthday off the ship by two days. There’s also the added pressure now to pick which schools I’m going to apply to for Fall 2018. Being Type A, I of course researched every CSU (California State University) campus, then cross checked that to see 1. Which campuses offer my major and 2. Which campuses that do offer my major, are not impacted. Impacted basically means there are more people applying than the school actually has room for. Impacted = ultra competitive. 

I have my preferred list of schools narrowed down to three; San Marcos, Dominguez Hills and LA. I have a back-up/secret first choice school though, Point Loma Nazarene University. It’s a private school here in San Diego that offers an accelerated degree program. I need to meet with a counselor and have my transcripts evaluated to see if I have enough units to qualify. I’m trying SOO HARD to not get my hopes up about that school, but PLNU would be soo ideal. I wouldn’t have to leave the comfortable life I’ve made for myself in San Diego and their program only takes 15 months. 

Only, semi-major caveat: October 1st-31st is open application for CSUs. For each campus I have in mind, I have to pay a $55 application fee. Soo I need to move my ass and see a PLNU counselor and save myself $165. I did the math tuition wise and PLNU’s 15 month program would cost about the same as 2-3 year traditional Bachelor’s degree at a CSU. 

I want it you guys, I want to get in to that accelerated program more than I’ve wanted anything in quite some time. Yes, having my degree in a little over a year is the primary appeal, but I went to an open house that PLNU hosted earlier this week and the whole school and program sounded amazing, as well as the professors and current students I got to speak with. 

I think I’ll be back tomorrow. I’ve recently started going to Pilates and want to share how that’s been going. Goodnight for now!

30

I turned 30 last Sunday, on the 3rd. I haven’t posted in a while, but nothing too exciting has been happening. My boyfriend surprised me with the exact Tiffany necklace I had mentioned to him a few months ago. We were texting on my birthday and he mistakenly let slip, if my present had arrived yet. I was surprised because I had assumed my not cheap, three month Dailey Method membership was my only present, but I was quite pleasantly surprised this past Friday when UPS chucked a package on my front steps and inside was: 

My boyfriend was his usual extra self and asked if there was any significance to the necklace (I think mostly to due with the fact that it was from Tiffany than anything) and I said that yes, the significance is that that small, hard, black heart is an exact scale replica of my own.

I have a meeting to set up with my school counselor to discuss transferring to all the new schools I’ve researched that aren’t as impacted and competitive as San Diego State. 

I started the entire Gossip Girl series on Netflix over the weekend and I’m surprisingly into it. It’s so wonderfully over the top. 

Possibly Not Crappy News

Due to a slight miscommunication (having our conversations almost exclusively via text and not being able to hear the intonation, cadence, tension, emotion as an audio call would) my boyfriend is NOT coming back in January, but indeed in December! And there was much hesitant rejoicing!

I had asked him to give me his shipping address so I could send him a care package for his birthday, which is at the beginning of December and I was certain he wasn’t going to be here for it, he gets confused and asks me why I would ship him his birthday presents when he would already be home. This quickly escalates into him howling with laughter at our misunderstanding and me shouting gift ideas at him to appease me for causing the confusion. We won’t be meeting in Hawaii, but we will go to New Orleans!

He has a month long leave period between leaving his current ship and starting training for his new ship. I’m soo excited! One, yes of course to have him all to myself for several days, but mostly two: I’ve been wanting to go to New Orleans foreeever! When I was younger it was about going for Mardi Gras and partying. Now I want to museum hop and tour the cemeteries and eat the food! Although I do want to take a Lyft through one of the drive-thru daiquiri places that I’ve been told exist in Louisiana.  

Also, who else watches Game of Thrones? Who just watched this season’s finale? Giiiiirl! Shit was intense. 

Crappy News and Really Crappy News

My boyfriend woke me up at 6:32am today with the false lure of “good and bad” news. We had both originally thought/hoped/assumed/wished that his deployment would be over by some point this November. Just his personally. He has orders to start with his new ship before his current ship returns. I’m sure I’ve mentioned that before, apologies for any redundancy. We had an idea to meet in Hawaii, which in my last blog was basically demolished and now…insert really offbeat drumroll…HE WON’T EVEN BE BACK IN NOVEMBER!! His “bad” news is that due to budget restrictions the soonest he would be back now is some point in December, and at the latest January. Yeah, that’s right JANUARY. As in next year, as in 2018, as in too motherfucking long. 

Want to know the “good” news? The good news is that the bad news is official. Those are his official orders! Yay. Not! 

This was so unexpected that the first ten or so minutes after he told me, I just lay in my bed looking up at the ceiling going, “Well, what the fuck.” I knew that yes, there was the chance of him not getting to come back exactly in November, but damn, January? After I had just celebrated the now mistaken fact that I thought his deployment was already halfway over and now suddenly it’s not. 

I repressed my emotions enough to shower and get ready for work and decided to be all up in my feelings on my drive to work and put on the Lana Del Rey station on Pandora. If anyone knows the San Diego area I bawled my eyes out like a heroine in a Korean drama from Pacific Beach to Carmel Valley this morning. 

I’m so disappointed and frustrated. This news, following the increasingly frustating steps it’s going to take for me to transfer and get my goddamn degree is weighing me down. Yes, I know it could be worse and he could be deployed in a combat zone, and that other milsos do this while raising kids on their own, but that doesn’t make my  heart ache any less. 

The solitary, miniscule upside is that they are in port for the next few days and we’ll have a chance to talk on the phone again soon.