Homecoming went well! I was super early getting on base and basically stood around (literally, I didn’t sit down once, mostly due to adrenaline) for three hours total waiting for the ship to pull in and for my boyfriend to get off the ship. We had a quiet day, went out to lunch to our favorite Japanese BBQ place together, boba at our favorite boba shop and hung out at home for the rest of the day. I surprised him with the housecleaning which he thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated. It still feels a little surreal that he’s home.
But now, almost exactly 60 hours after his return, I completely snap at him. I have no other words for it. And I’ve done it before, but this time was especially bad. My boyfriend is my opposite, I’m quick to anger, slow to forgive and am too dictated by my emotions. He’s far more rational and reasonable and methodical, really thinks things through.
We were on the phone (I was driving home from work at the restaurant and using the Bluetooth from my car and he was home, tinkering on his computer) and I had asked him two separate questions, not related to each other and he didn’t hear either one. He likes to think he can “multi-task” i.e., hold a conversation (in person or on the phone) and do something else (usually computer or phone related) at the same. HE CANNOT! He is the absolute worst at trying to juggle more than one thing! He knows he sucks at “multi-tasking”, but it doesn’t stop him from continuing to do so. Tonight, for whatever reason this particularly pissed me off and I went off on him. In the car I was shouting at my dashboard, “Ooohhhkaay. Listen. Listen. LISTEN. ARE YOU LISTENING?? Stop whatever you’re doing. Stop. Stooop. Did you stop? Okay, listen, I’m not repeating myself again.” Just being a total condescending bitch. But, he listened and answered the questions I had for him. He laughed it off like he does most time when I flip out, which I appreciate, knowing that he doesn’t take my tantrums, basically, too personally.
But, the worst was when I was almost home. I was turning down the hill to my street and getting off the phone with him. I tell him I’m almost home and that I’ll see him tomorrow (I had asked him to sleepover tomorrow since we both have Thursday off, and he had initially agreed). Suddenly, he’s confused. he thought we were only doing something on Thursday, or Wednesday, not both. Then he’s uncertain what his work load would be like and how he still had things to finish doing and putting away/together at home and he wasn’t sure he could do both days anymore. All the while that he’s telling me, I can hear the keys of his new mechanical keyboard clacking away and he’s speaking with long…pauses…in…be…tween…be…cause…he…is…still…trying…to…mul…ti…task. And I fully snapped, just went ballistic on him. Cursed him out, called him rude and inconsiderate, told him that I hated him (when he tries to “multi-task) and just used all the different forms of “fuck”. A LOT. He tries to explain himself, but I of course, in the middle of my tirade won’t let him speak and talk all over him. Finally, I tire myself out yelling and basically hang up on him.
This was about 45 minutes ago at 9pm and I have felt like a complete and utter douchebag since the second I walked in the door of my house. Now, aside from being a douchebag, or maybe more in line with being a d-bag, I also have a ton of pride and am now telling myself that I won’t cave and apologize and let him know that I know that I was wrong for acting that way. I thought I was “ready” for him to come home from deployment and it looks like I thought wrong. I have a previous post where I talked about how I feel like I forgot how to be a girlfriend and that, unfortunately enough looks like I was right.
All I can think about is that scene in The Other Boleyn Girl where Anne is losing her shit after she slaps Henry. I can’t find a clip on YouTube or even by Googling so here’s the script excerpt:
ANNE and MARY are together. ANNE is combing her hair. Strands of it come loose in her hands. Her eyes are hollow with stress. Her skin pale and covered in a film of perspiration.. ANNE I struck him today. What am I doing? I am destroying this all on my own..
ANNE It's slipping away, Mary. I can feel it.